Thursday, November 11, 2010

Oh Yeah - Til Death Do Us Part

Last night, I had a brainstorm after my husband and I had a ... discussion of him not eating his pizza crusts and therefore wasting food (he doesn't just not eat the bready tip parts but leaves behind some of the sauce and cheese that are at the end of the pizza slice) - not choosing to simply take a middle piece befuddles me. Granted, it's a silly thing, but isn't that the point of marriage? Having fun and enjoying the little silly things?

Forget the cherishing, the keeping in sickness and in health. There are more important things we forgot. Without Further Ado (or is that without further "I do" - ha!), I present to you my top ten list of items I neglected to include in my (husband's) wedding vows:

10) I will eat all that my wife puts in front of me, whether it's my favorite food or whether it is something that I need to tolerate.

9) I will always empty the trash when it begins to near the top of the trash can without reminders from others in the household.

8) When I pick something up, I will replace it where I found it.

Corollary: I will remember where that place is the next time I want to use it.

7) When it is bedtime for the children, I will not start unrelated projects that distract them from going to bed and me from helping them to get ready for bed.

6) When there is icky, nasty food that's been left in the fridge for far too long, I will uncomplainingly remove it from its container out of my wife's sight and smell, dispose of it, and clean said container.

5) I will offer nightly foot massages.

4) I will not start up my car and run it for ten minutes before leaving the house in the morning once Jack Frost begins visiting. Instead of wasting gas and money, I will not be lazy and instead will scrape the frost from my car.

3) When sent to the grocery store with a list, I will purchase the items requested.

Corollary: I will not come home with random other items that are not needed or wanted in the household.

2) I will let me wife get the mail from the mailbox, knowing that it brings her an unexpected sense of pleasure to be the one to get and sort through the mail.

and the number one thing I forgot to add to my (husband's) wedding vows?

1) I shall learn to chew with my mouth closed and without smacking my lips.

So what kinds of things did you neglect to include in your wedding vows that you wish you could renegotiate?

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Jenn M November 11, 2010 at 7:18 PM  

Do not clip toenails within sight of wife - it is not pretty nor sexy.

Husband should throw out all ideas of needing to "make things right" when all wife needs for him to do is to listen. But also know when wife wants husband to kick some butt.. :) It's a fine line.

Thanks for the laugh tonight. Totally agree.

Hyacynth November 11, 2010 at 9:56 PM  

I will not burb at the dinner table while she's still eating, and I will rub her back every night for the rest of her life is she asks because in bearing my two sons, her poor back will likely never be the same again. ;)
Also, is uncomplainingly a word? I like it!

Susie November 12, 2010 at 6:24 AM  

I will remove any and all varmits from the premisis both inside and out.

Laural Out Loud November 12, 2010 at 9:31 AM  

I will be the one responsible for cleaning up any vomit that occurrs, anywhere it occurs, and putting all dirty linens and/or clothes in the washer.

Seriously, this would be my number one!!

Donald November 12, 2010 at 1:34 PM  

In defense of #3... if you were to write the grocery list in the order of shopping it would create a path with no backtracking and thus the impulse buys would be minimalized.

Together We Save November 12, 2010 at 4:08 PM  

I love #10!! Eat it or cook for yourself... never complain!

septembermom November 12, 2010 at 6:35 PM  

I need to borrow your list :) I need to put on mine: Hubby will be more flexible.

Tara R. November 13, 2010 at 8:31 AM  

A big Amen to #7 and #5. With my hubs I would had added "I will not leave a single square of toilet paper on the roll, but will replace it with a new roll."

Mrs4444 November 13, 2010 at 9:38 PM  

#3 is my FAVORITE!

I would also include: I will keep only 50 pounds worth of junk in the basement.

Alec November 14, 2010 at 9:45 AM  

Remember Michelle,

If you get all of these wishes, there may be nothing left of the man you married...

Pat November 14, 2010 at 5:58 PM  

I will not saw with my serrated steak knife into the Corelle dinner plate with great force, making scratches on all the plates.

I must say, though, that my husband is a doll with respect to taking out the trash, eating whatever I set before him (oh, except for the fried green tomatoes, but I don't blame him), putting things away in their correct spots, and in general, being very neat and tidy and organized. I'm the unorganized slobby one, I confess. But, amazingly, he loves me anyway.

Michelle November 14, 2010 at 9:54 PM  

Jenn - Ooooo good one. That sound is like nails on a chalkboard to me. My husband goes to another floor. In a bathroom. Closes the door. With the fan on. Phew!

Hyacynth - Oooo that back could definitely use it. Go have a chat with your husband.

Susie - Yep. That's a definite addition.

Laural - Ohhhh yes, I don't do puke. Fortunately, my husband does :)

Don - When the grocery list consists of "2% milk" and that isn't what's brought home, I'm not sure how I can improve the list....

Denise - And my husband does a good job of it - when I've cooked. When it's restaurant food, not as much interestingly.

Kelly - Well, sign him up for a yoga class then!

Tara - I'm with ya on that one. And corollary of when it's the downstairs bathroom and I take the last of the stocked rolls, I will get more rolls from upstairs to stock the downstairs bathroom.

Mrs4444 - Only? Hmmm... my husband has less than that. But I don't think I do ;)

Alec - You do realize this is tongue in cheek, right? And I said nothing about talking less!

Pat - Oh we all love "anyway" - or I hope we do. But sometimes it would be nice to have less anyway and more because.

Karen November 16, 2010 at 7:28 AM  

#7 and #1 are home-hitters. And now I'm all cringy over number 1 because it just plain grosses me out. Food noises are nasty. And I'm married to an offender.

Michelle November 16, 2010 at 11:04 AM  

Karen - I do ok so long as there is background noise that covers it. But when I'm in a room alone with just that noise. Ohhhhhhh!

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