Monday, June 25, 2012

Time Management - Type A Conference Hands On Session

There was so much great content at Type A Conference again this year, and I came hoome with some many great takeaways. The time management hands on class I signed up for is a great example. So the next time you call me and I don't answer? Now you know why.

 Previous session recaps:
Keynote with Chris Garrett
Don't Rank Me: Getting Past Scores and Numbers with Kelly Whalen and David Binkowski

 Amy Bair @resourcefulmom

Brainstorm on paper all the things in your life you value most - people, showering, wine, whatever you value most:

For me, this list includes: Children, Reading, Cooking, Husband, Volunteering, Time to write, Friends, Fun activities with small children, Ability to afford to do activities/what I want, Good food, Having a safe and secure home, My cleaning lady/not having to clean/do dishes/take out the trash, Pampering myself periodically with mani/pedi/massage, Having childcare when I need it, Playing with technology, Enough sleep

Amy: List all the things you do in your day - don't skip things like shower.  What are you shocked by?

Answers from the audience:
The time I *should* have.  I should be able to organize this better to get done the things that should get done.  What is the reality of what I spent my time doing (Jenn @SuperJenn)  I might be running around in circles
Wasted time
How organized my morning schedule has become - then it all goes downhill
How much time I spend in the car
How little time there is in the day just to be and not going somewhere or doing anything
How wanting to be in control and independent leads to not asking for help from others
Spending a lot of time reacting to please others rather than doing things for me that need to be done

Amy: A lot of us are feeling the same sorts of pressures that we are not spending our time the way we could or should.

Tips:
We're all feeling a little anxious at this point.  Some of it is all fleshed out for us, but let's go through it.  List and prioritize.  I put children in alternating days of preschool and always had someone with me.  When my business really started to grow, I had 16 hours a week of childcare - 4 day a week preschool and full time school.  This is important for me because I struggle to get everything done and not say no to my kids all day long. These are things that work for me.

The to do list at the start of the day doesn't have to be in priority order.  I put the to do list into three categories of items.  Work - things I have to do for my blog or a twitter party or something for someone else.  Home - remember to take kids to the orthodontist, etc.  I want credit, and I want to do those items and cross them off.  Sometimes if I don't put filling out the Girl Scout form on the list - something that may only take 30 seconds - it won't get done otherwise.  Radar - things that I need to do some time in the next 2-3 weeks.  If I don't write it here, I will forget about it.

What isn't crossed off transfers to the next day.  The list of things to do gets ridiculously long, but many are only 2-3 minutes - you feel so good crossing them off and you know you aren't forgetting anything.  It's the people who aren't writing anything down who are getting manic.  You can also do your to do list the night before if that works for you.  I do it at night for the must dos, and then I revise it and add the rest of the items and prioritize the to do list in the morning.

Stop multi-tasking.  At some point in evolution, men's brains realized they're screwing everything up and  so their brains stopped letting them do this.  We aren't productive when we multi-task.  We only fool ourselves that this is working.  We're doing things 80% most of the time.  Don't have multiple windows open.  Don't check your email in the middle of doing something else.  Just don't do it.

Have a "one touch only" policy.  Don't open an email and not deal with it right then.  If you make this rule and stick to it, you will be so much more productive.  If you don't, it takes twice as long to deal with everything.  If you have to make a decision on an email, then you are investing emotional energy if you don't reply then.  If you open it, then delete it or reply to it the first time.

Take advantage of downtime.  Be realistic.  You can use it in ways you don't realize.  It may be the time to do your radar list.  It may be time to think about what's on your "I wish I could" list.  I bring non wifi stuff to do when I go to my children's music lessons.  I finish up with work fifteen minutes before I need to leave for the lessons, which gives me time to get together their instruments, something for them to do when the other one is having her lesson, and something I can work on.

You could use Windows Live Mesh - sets up remote access to your home PC.  This is a great tool that will put all your emails into threads.  It also learns your rules so that if you get a GroupOn email every day, you can set it up to delete all those subscription emails after 30 days.  There are all sorts of great tools within your email these days to help you be more productive and not get bogged down.

Keep a central calendar and share with your spouse and coworkers.  You're not making more lists this way.  It's a great help for delegating so that everyone knows what's planned and what needs to be done.

Don't waste time reinventing the wheel.  Don't tweet asking if someone has a template you're looking for. You know you'll end up crowdsourcing and chatting for 20 minutes.  Google it and take what you find.  It doesn't have to all be just yours for a template.  Go ahead and use something someone else has created and put your tweaks on it that you need to.

Make your email work for you. If you use your electronic calendar, use the reminders so you know what you're supposed to do and when.  We have too much going on to place the "what am I missing" feeling.  There is a tool called Sweep on Hotmail to move all of what you don't want to keep using various rules you set up, for example, anything that says "press release" in it.  Be ok that maybe the one cool thing that's in all the "press" emails will get deleted because you just saved yourself a ton of time and mental energy.  It can also send all future messages to trash that follow that rule.  Gmail has similar tools, as does Outlook.  Spend a half hour to make five rules that will save you a ton of time.

Reward yourself.  Make it realistic though - no thirty minutes of tweeting for ten minutes of work.

Set end times.  Write down when you will stop working on something.  I set almost certain office hours to know that I'm going to spend so much time on a project, and then I need to move on.

I will highlight on my to do list.  Green items are the ones that have to be done today.  Yellows are the items that, if greens are all crossed off, get done next.  Yellows become a green the next day if they aren't completed.  Red (pink highlighter) are items that need to be done this week, but if they don't get done Mon/Tues/Wed, that's ok.  It's about getting all tasks written down and prioritizing once they're down.

Delegate - look seriously at what you do during the week that you could pay someone to do for $20.  It's something that wouldn't kill the bank but gets things done and saves you hours a week.  It's those hours you can use on other things.  An intern is the greatest thing ever.  I have someone I hire to go through all my email from my contact form.  She knows what she has to do to respond to them and only forwards to me the ones I need to deal with.  It's a huge time saver for me.

Go through and honestly look at what you spend your time doing that you could spend less time doing it so that you can streamline them.  You can't just toss things out, but maybe you can do them faster or less often.

Change your settings and alerts on your computer so that you will only check email after you do these three things or once every half hour.  You don't need something popping up or making that bing every time you receive an email or every five minutes telling you how many emails you have.  If you keep those alerts alive, you spend half your day pressing send and receive.  It's not productive to be doing this and going back and forth.

You aren't going to miss anything good because you didn't respond to it immediately - things may come through, but you are ok now.  I understand that there are opportunities that you will miss out on in very rare instances that require immediate response.  However, I'm alive, it's ok, and I think we have to just say at a certain point, if I structure my day this way, I'll have all these benefits.  The occasional cost is that I might miss something, but if you structure your day you won't miss things.  And definitely turn off your sound effects.  The binging and everything else is incredibly distracting.

I only take scheduled calls.  If the phone rings and I'm not expecting the call, I won't answer it.  I'll call them back when I have a chance later, but this keeps me from getting interrupted and sucked into other conversations.

Find ways to share your tasks - can you do morning carpool and someone does afternoon carpool?  If a day is completely messed up, then reschedule activities so fewer days are messed up - but maybe more messed up - and you have some days where you can truly get things done.  Don't micromanage bathtime or brushing teeth; just let it go.  If you do divide all tasks,  you may never see your spouse.  You become coworkers working different shifts, which is a danger.  Find what works for you to protect your time so you can get done what you need to do.

If someone emails you something asking you to work on a project and you don't have the time to do it well right now, tell them that you don't have the bandwidth for it now, but that you can do it by X and do it well if they want - or you can do it now but it won't be to the quality that you wish.  Clients inevitably choose quality over having something done immediately.

Tell yourself, I am ignoring my children from 4-5pm when I would like to play a game with them.  But I spent an hour snuggling with them at 6am, and if I were working full time, they would be in childcare.  Focus on the good that you do.  That's how you know you're spending your time the right way.

Don't Rank Me: Getting Past Scores And Numbers

Kelly Whalen and David Binkowski presented a session on branding and how it isn't simply the numbers that make us who we are. They talked a lot at Type A Conference about building brands and what that looks like. You can find them on Twitter as @centsiblelife and @dbinkowski.


My first Type A Conference recap was of the keynote by Chris Garrett. This one is Don't Rank Me: Getting Past Scores and Numbers with David Binkowski and Kelly Whalen. 


Kelly Whalen:  Creating and growing your brand: It's something people don't really understand as they get online and get into being a personality.  If you want to get in with a PR company, they have a series of brands that they represent, and you need to be a brand, too.  You have to create a brand, and this is one of the bigger questions I've heard from bloggers - why don't companies reach out to me or why don't they do it more often or why don't they do it beyond just a pitch in my inbox.

I think most of you have the same questions when we first start out. How to grow your brand, what is your brand?  I've been blogging for about 4 years, starting like many people do to talk about things I'm interested in - finance and getting out of debt, leading into a smart life. I loved talking to my readers and building a community and working with brands.  I've started from a little blog into a full fledged brand.  You can read more on my website about who I am.

David Binkowski: I'm David Binkowski, a partner at Large Media and this is my third time presenting at Type A. I want to thank Kelby - at this time last year I was working for a different agency, and Kelby was pushing me, asking why I was making money for someone else. She said she'd publicly shame me if I didn't start up my own agency in a few months.

[posts a slide with his “pitch” biography]

This is how I sell myself. I have a lot of hands on experience in working with a variety of brands and have spoken at a lot of conferences. I wrote the rules to the road for WOMMA and included that experience in there. It says three things: I have experience, I’m a “word of mouth” guy and I’ve worked with a lot of companies.

I can help you get past what they're thinking about you now. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m direct and am going to tell you the way it is.

[turns to slide about Large Media]

So I did start up Large Media as of last July, and we have to pitch to get clients - we're a word of mouth based company that does use social media but we also use other channels -- online and offline -- to meet their goals. I didn’t want to get pigeon holed into being a “social media agency” because everyone and their brother claims to be doing it. [points to conference logos] We also get asked to speak at the various industry conferences. I’m conveying here that we’re more than social media and it’s consistent with the brand I’ve created for myself.

When I thought about starting up a business and creating a brand, I first had to understand how I wanted to brand it. It's easy to say “I have a company and we do social media.”; the problem is that everyone else is doing that too. Being word of mouth-centric makes us different, hence the talking bubbles in our logo.

[shows slide defining the word “brand”]

Kelly:  You are a brand, whether you accept the idea or not.  Every time you present yourself in a public space like this, they get a picture of who you are. They get a sense of who you are, and you are different from anyone else, so don't try to be like someone else. Your blog is also a brand - but a separate one.  Many people confuse the idea that they're the same.  While you do represent your blog, that isn't all of who you are.  Many people have taken their blogs to a different level because they have separated themselves from it and their blog is a separate hub - they get writing and speaking gigs, etc. through their blogs.  You want to make sure you have a great design and a great logo.  I cannot tell you the number of blogs I've seen that make me want to throw up.  You have to find a design that is you but that is not too distracting from your message.  It isn't too in your face or not clean.  I really like a clean design.  Hire someone to do it if you aren't a good designer.

What's your story?  That goes back to the idea that you're a brand.  Your about page should have a story about who you are, how you got into blogging, and what makes you so different as a person from someone else writing a similar blog.  You want to share what makes you unique and different.  Don't think you don't have a story.  We talk about this a lot - you need to have an elevator pitch.  You will ride in an elevator with someone today who will want to know who you are and what you write about.  You need to be able to say who you are and what your blog is about in about 20 seconds.  You can have a longer one in writing, but you need this statement ready to spit out when you talk to someone.  Write it down, have someone else look at it, but have your elevator pitch ready.

David: How I differentiate my firm.  We all offer the same services to some degree.  How do I stay true to myself and still differentiate?  Every touch point you as a consumer have with a brand is word of mouth.  You talk about a brand in-store or via digital or mobile.

If I say I'm word of mouth as a brand - I can do anything from events to digital campaigns and more.  It touches everything from billboards to customer service.It touches everything from billboards to customer service.

The experience is a big differentiator. I've said many times in the past that there are not a lot of firms here at this conference, so that sets me apart that I'm here.

I'm also set up different from many other agencies - they have one senior person, tons of people out of college and maybe some managers to ensure work gets done. That model doesn’t work, so I wanted to do it in a way that’s based around clients, not P&L’s.

I don't carry that overhead because I'm on demand. I have the same people who have worked at other agencies who now work for me. I'm not a bs-er and I'll say no to client ideas because it's the right thing to do -- and the money will come back to me in the end by doing the right thing for a brand.

[switches slide to brand equity definition]

Brand equity is key. It’s not going away and only becoming more important as you need to differentiate yourself. My experience means I’m talking to clients and not coming (as much) to conferences.

It goes beyond this, though. Having equity means that if I’m Coke I can charge $1.75 or $1.80 for a 20 ounce soda where the store brand may be under $1. That goes for the brand equity you've built up. You can be the discount provider, and that's fine - just know that's the equity you've built and charge accordingly.

[loads new slide showing brand equity pyramid]

The equity pyramid starts with who you are. Once you figure that out, you start to look at the rational and emotional - the decisions based on logic and facts or your based on your heart. Your design, for example, is the emotional. What do you stand for? If you don’t know, and you’re pitching a brand to work with but it’s unclear, then they’re certainly not going to know what you brand is or what you stand for.

[points to top of pyramid]

The final phase is what about you is different -- what is the equity that you've built up? How do we [reader/brand and blogger] have a relationship?

That's the elephant in the room - how often do you have the issues that "I've been pitched once, and now the brand is gone." If you've taken care of the bottom part of the pyramid, this wouldn't be a problem and you would still be working with them beyond that one campaign.

Kelly:  A little on creating your home base on the web.  You want to have a base everywhere on the web.  You have to be everywhere and have a presence everywhere.  You don't have to be passionate about Pinterest or tweeting all the time, and you don't always have to be on there.  You don't have to always talk about yourself on those siters, but you want to know what's popular in those areas.  Is there some relationship there with my brands?

Maybe you're a food blogger and there's a recipe that is getting a ton of pins and you want to put your own spin on it.  It may then become really popular not just with your own readers but new people who can find you because it is a popular topic.  If there's any place to put a bio or linkbacks to who you are, do it.  People need to be able to find you on your blog or twitter or from your YouTube page.  It needs to be visible and front and center.

A lot of bloggers don't realize that even though you aren't passionate about it or don't love it, you still need to be on a platform because others are passionate about it.  LinkedIn is a great example.  Most bloggers aren't there, but they should be.  If you've worked with a brand or someone that you've networked with, connect with them.  If you've worked well with a brand or someone, write recommendations for them.  They'll really appreciate it.

David: LinkedIn is huge, but it's so underutilized. I’ve read that the average agency relationship is about two and a half years. So think about that if I‘m looking for new business -- it might be three years before I get to work with that company. I ping them every once in awhile to stay in touch, to stay top of mind. They might say they’re not looking for an agency, or they’re not interested -- but that’s today. Things change!

It's like direct mail; send it out every once in awhile and even if you only get small returns, they are still returns. LinkedIn’s also a great place to show brands which brands you've worked with in the past through recommendations. Get them from the brands you’ve worked with!

Also, if you connect with all your checkins and tweets and such on LinkedIn, it's a spam. Don't do it. For people who look at it on a daily basis and finds leads from there, it's distracting.

Kelly: Increasing your traffic.  You want to create topical, searchable, and shareable content.  It's hard to be all these things at once.  If something comes into your wheelhouse that is topical, why not embrace it and use it and get your message and move your brand a little further?  Searchable is definitely key.  If you aren't familiar with it, Kelby has great tips on Mom Blogger SEO.  It's important to know what people are searching for.  

You want people to find it engaging and searchable.  If people are searching for something, make it easy for them.  Also, make sure you have share buttons on your blog.  If you have pictures, you want to make sure you have a Pinterest button on all your photos, and people dig that when they can just click a button and share it.

Blogging is a great way to build your traffic and get known outside the circles you're in right now.  Guest post elsewhere.  Do it on other sites, and link back on Google+.  Use the html rel author to link back to your site.  If there is a place for your bio on the site where you're contributing, make sure it tags back to your bio on your own site so Google knows that you've written something.  It will be more searchable that way.

Put your best foot forward on those sites.  If that means you have to cut back on your own blog, do it.  Take the time to make sure it's well edited and you've researched it well.  Obviously social networking is huge.  You don't want to just broadcast but engage other people.  Follow them.  Like them.  Interact.

What should you be  worried about with clicks and impressions?  As my blog grew, I found I needed to focus more on what those measurement tools are and what traffic is coming from where. The idea isn't that I have X page views, someone else has Y Twitter followers.  Don't measure yourself against anyone else; it's measuring against yourself.

Know that a number is not who you are and what you are.  Look at what numbers are growing and from where.  Where are your social numbers growing?  I've found that Twitter isn't bringing clicks anymore.  Facebook is becoming bigger on my blog, as is Pinterest.  But maybe your audience is coming from somewhere else.  Learn how you can keep pushing forward with that audience.  You also get databased when you do this, and you start getting found for various tools if someone is searching for a brand or topic and you have some weight behind it because of where you're talking about it.  That's good that you're on those lists.  I'm not a fan of Klout.  I don't think it's accurate or relevant.  Don't focus on that.

David: When you want to pitch a brand, what is different about you and what are you good at? If you're not good on camera, either practice or don't do it. If you're great at writing, then stick with writing. Regardless, practice. You're better off doing what you're best at and make sure you put your best foot forward.

Know what you want from the brand when you work with them. If they won't pay for [an expense, like] parking, is that what you're good with? If you're just excited to be working with a brand, you'll get walked over. Know when to walk away, too. You're better off doing nothing sometimes than doing something and getting walked on or hurting yourself. But if you are ok with just working with them for free, then go ahead and do so.

Kelly: If you're active in the offline world, that matters to a brand.  If you coach or mentor or are a PTO mom, that's actually really interesting to a brand.  It can just be that you have friends you talk to every day or that you could invite to your house for a house party or that you could easily get moms together to talk about something and that you have those friends who you could easily get together.  Brands value this. You need to be out there living life and doing things, not just because you're balanced but becuse you have more to offer a brand that way.

David: Don't forget about offline lives - think about, and I’ve put in Yelp and Foursquare - because showing you have a life or are expert somewhere in the “real world” matters.

I put in pictures of Melanie Notkin, aka the Savvy Auntie, and Rookie Moms. Both saw opportunities to be expert in their niche - aunts who spoil their nieces and nephews, Whitney and Heather talk to new moms. Hence, “Rookie Moms”.

If you do create your brand the right way and show that you have a niche, you can pitch that. That's what you're useful for - your subject matter expertise.

You need to be available and easy to work with. For starters, know what you need to make a project work: what expenses will you need to cover and detail it out. This is a business and it costs you money for child care!

And I totally get it: For me it's not always convenient to do a meeting at 4pm when my three boys are home. Tell your clients “This is my schedule of when I can work and am available; that's not being difficult, it’s being practical. Being difficult is canceling at the last minute because you don't get childcare. That's when you get taken off lists. Again, I get it -- sometimes a fever comes up and you have to take care of your child. I’ve been there. But don't do it repeatedly or you will get blacklisted.

Kelly: You need to get to know someone before you go out on a date.  Research a brand before you pitch a brand or send back an email.  It doesn't have to be extensive.  Responding to a pitch, you can go back to look at a website and then make sure you bring it back to them in your response using the words they use.

David: If you know someone who has worked with that brand before, talk to them.  See how the experience was.  Did they follow through?  Was it pleasant?  Would they work with that brand again?

Kelly: People now google and Facebook search and so forth when they date someone.  Look to see who else the brands are associated with.  Do I want to be associated with that person?  Do they have other PR gaffes where they've really messed up?  If you know you can go in and bring them something different, tell them.  Say, "I can do something that will work for you because of what I know."

Make sure the conversation about your "date" is about them, but do talk a little bit about you.  Listen to them and talk, but make sure you're listening most of the time.  I let them talk and go on and on about what they want to tell me, so that when I go back to them with a proposal or an email response, I know exactly what they're looking for and what I can do for them.  Know what you do and make sure they know what you're interested in.  We all get the emails that aren't a good fit, even some that offer payment.  If it's a totally different segment, don't feel afraid to say no.

Dress to impress - it goes back to your logo and sign and even your own dress when you're meeting people in person.  You want things to be thought out; you don't want things to be thrown together.  It's ok to have your own style - it really is ok - but you need to make sure that it's polished and put together.  If that means that you curse and talk about things that might be a little X-rated, then that's ok.  You need to know that and own that and present it in a way that is a little more PR friendly in person.  Make sure you're keeping things short and sweet.  You don't need to give a lot of information or go way into depth.  People get bent out of shape when pitching a brand.

David: Why brands want free publicity. They still see this space as earned media. The dirty little secret is that brands take bloggers and media on junkets. They will take them to concerts or get pedicures. They do things that I feel are payola, and later they may hire them [as an expert or spokesperson]. They feel that bloggers are free media. Don't fall for it. They [the brands] have money. Sometimes they don't know how to measure this. I sometimes help other agencies measure this and come in as a consultant to help with that. The reality is they don't know how to justify how to pay a blogger or what you’re worth.

I talked about pitching yourself, and my business even, and you also need to know when the “offseason” is for a brand or product. A Summer brand typically plans in the Winter, so if you go to them in the Spring with a pitch, you may have to wait through a full planning cycle before you can get in with them.

Kelly: The bigger the brand, the longer it takes to get something approved.  If you're pitching someone and they come to you with a small project, you can say, "This was great working with you, I'd love to work more with you and here's what I want to do.  What does your budget look like?"  They may tell you when they will have the budget to look at something else with you.  Put it in your phone to remind yourself to ping them about that and create a project.

David:  Think like a marketer.  How does your brand work with their brand and how can they work together?  How can this blogger fit in this campaign?  They don't think long term, but this is where you as a blogger can help fix it.  If you research what they're doing big picture, you may see that they're doing something in six months in Philly and then approach them to say, "I'd love to work with you to put together a live event or be a spokesperson, etc because I live in Philly."

If you're not ok giving it away for free, don't.  If you give it away for free, it will be harder to get paid going forward.  Look at how you can interject yourself into what a brand is doing.  Look at the reports that companies like BlogHer put together saying bloggers are more trusted than other media and use that data.  Pitch all areas where you're able to help and are strong in.  If you aren't prepared to walk the walk, don't engage.

Kelly:  You will pitch, and they'll come back saying they don't have the budget.  Don't take a no as a never.  The word no doesn't devalue what you're doing.  It just means that you can move to the next brand or pitch them again in a year.  It's very confusing when you get emails from a "brand" saying they don't have the budget - look at who's sending them.  Is it the agency, the brand, another blogger?  It's not always streamlined.  You often just need to find the right person who has the money and that's who you need to pitch.

David:  You need to know your value. This is not just in the blogging business, but everything. Take babysitting - when I hired my friend’s daughter to watch my kids so I could get some work done, I asked her how much I owed her. She said “Oh I don’t know”. My wife chewed her out and told her to ask what she wants. I’ve done this (not the chewing out part) with bloggers I’ve worked with. Don’t tell me you don’t know -- you have bills to pay and expenses to cover!

So absolutely the wrong answer when asked how much to pay you is to say "I don't know." Know your value. Don't take it personally if you get passed over for another blogger, but just because you get a lot of “no”s, don't start to drop your price. You'll feel worse about yourself. If you know you're worth something, value yourself.

Kelly: If someone comes to you and doesn't really have a plan or if you pitch them and they say they don't have that much money, go ahead and ask them what their budget is and then work within that.  You  can still do work with them, but on a different scale.

Questions from the audience:

I'm a little new to the blogging world.  Where do I start?

David: What are your goals, objectives, and strategies. If I know your goals and objectives, I can start to put effective strategies together for you. I hate to say write a business plan because it sounds so daunting, but you need to be able to account for the expense of having your blog designed, for example. Write out a plan of where you want to be and then work backwards to how you need to get there. Figure out what conferences you want to attend or other expenses you'll have, and figure out how much you'll need to make to do that.

Put a plan together and look at other bloggers. Who do you want to be like? What was their path? Yours will be different, but it gives you an idea. Start networking and following people on Twitter. Meet people locally. Have a plan for how you're going to do it.

For me, when I look at other agencies, it almost drives a certain amount of insecurity. I turn off Twitter sometimes because there are so many marketers that talk garbage and are just spewing nonsense constantly. It makes me feel uncomfortable because I think “This is really helping their clients or business?”, but it's not how I run my business. I'd rather meet with people in person to get business.

Kelly: Make sure you have people in your circle so you have a mentor.  Someone you can ask questions or, maybe someone you already know - start an email thread back and forth.  Most people are really nice, and those who aren't, you don't need to deal with anyway.  Know that your goals may change over time, too, and there isn't always a roadmap.  Pieces move around before you get to the end goal.

Nancy (comment from the audience):  I want to clarify something you said.  As a brand, I pay bloggers to do some things.  I will never pay a blogger for a review.  While that is work on your part, a review needs to be unbiased and payment  distorts that. That is providing content to your reader, which is a benefit for them.  If you want to be paid by a brand, talk about what you can work on together.  Regarding Klout scores, marketers and brands don't know how to measure you versus someone else.  While Klout isn't the greatest, it's what they know or how they've been taught to measure people.  If it's low, say why - explain what else makes you unique and build off that.

Kelly: Many people would agree with your review policy.  If you're a review blogger, most brands won't pay you for that.  If you want to work with them beyond that, review the product. Work with them on the review then see how you can work with them after that first simple review.  On Klout scores, I actually quit Klout.  If people ask for it, I send them to the post about why I quit Klout.  I have all sorts of other stats they may want, and I'm happy to provide those.

Nancy: That's right.  But again, it's a great place to go to quickly to look up a lot of people - and they want  easy.  And people may end up being taken off a list because of Klout.

David: Cred is a new one out there that is supposed to be more accurate. I’m not a believer. Ashton Kutcher has a huge Klout score supposedly, yet his campaigns fail.

Paula: I'm a writer, storytelling, so this doesn't fit into my brand at all...
Kelly: You absolutely can have it fit.  Velveteen Mind does an amazing story about a part of her life that includes a brand, but it's not in your face.  It may not be what you want to do, but there's a way to do it.  Freelance writing is a great way to do that.  Working with other people to teach the craft of writing is an amazing way to work with that.  Those are two things off the top of my head.

Blogger from Splash Creative Media: How do we as bloggers protect ourselves from brands taking our ideas that we've pitched and running with it with another blogger?
David: David: Put a disclaimer in your pitch that this is your intellectual property that they are not allowed to take it and run with it. If you go into a meeting with an NDA type style thing in place, that helps and is often something I do. That covers your intellectual property. I say that they can use the IP but they cannot publicize it. That's more for agencies I work with than to brands, but I've seen my pitched programs executed by other brands. So it’s “Sue them and never work with them?” That's sort of where you put yourself. It does help to create a list of brands you don't want to work with again, however [for stealing your ideas].

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Type A Conference Keynote Speaker Chris Garrett

Below is the notes I took from the Type A Conference keynote speech by Chris Garrett who can be found @chrisgarrett.

I want to makesure that your blogs are awesome and that you can make a full time living from it.  Who here  wants to make a full time living from your blog?  Most people.  Who really just wants to write it and doesn't care about the money thing?  Ok, some of those, too.

I want to give you a little of my story - not to say that I'm awesome, because I'm not - but so you can learn from what I did, some things right and some wrong and some tips on blogging, what you should do instead.  I will share the presentation out afterwards.  Don't look at me if I'm putting you off your meal.

It all started when my cousin came around with a computer when I was five.  I was fascinated.  And the reason why I illustrate this is because people say, "It's too late to get into blogging, you have to have been an early adoptor."  And that's true.  There is an early adopter advantage, but there  is also a disadvantage because you are the ones who are going first and making mistakes.  Stay curious; there's always something new.

Pinterest took me completely by surprise.  I missed it.  I'm male.  We're selling themes using Pinterest.  How stupid was I?  Two things: stay curious, and it's never too late.

I started learning from the day my dad brought home a computer, and he regretted it five years later.  He always wanted me off the computer and outside, but it worked out ok.

Who recognizes the modem on the screen?  If you do, you probably also hear the sound in your head.  In the early days of social media, you had to dial in, wait for it and check for messages on bulletin boards.  What it did for me was make me realize that I wasn't the only geek in the world, and this for me speaks volumes about the people who are in this room.  We're all here because we have a shared interest.  Finding people who share these interests is powerful.  They're the peple who inspire you to do different things.  It so makes you feel that you're not alone.  When the nasty people do attack, you can ask if you really suck and they'll tell you, "Yes, but only a bit."  There are some people who won't understand, so reach out to your tribe for support.

After the bulletin boards and all that good stuff, I started writing an online diary, but there wasn't any WordPress, but I was a geek so I hand coded it over a couple months - don't do that!  Once of the worst mistakes I made was changing the url of my site, changing the structure of my site, changing my perspective.  From the beginning until about 2007, it was constantly changing, and it confused my own people.

People started coming to me for computer advice.  I put the articles about them online only to keep me from having to repeat myself.  The crazy thing that was that people started sending me checks.  They would find the article and then ask them to come into the office and fix this computer problem.  I said that I could just expand the article, but they wanted me to come in.  The fact that I could make money from writing articles blew me away.  Indirectly, I was monetizing.  If people had told me that I could monetize the articles I was writing, I wouldn't have believed them.

I actually made good money from it where I had the content to do it.  You don't have to be confident, just have good stuff to share.  If there's only lesson to take away from me, you don't have to be a competent person, just have good content.  You just need to have a way to help people.

My wife went into labor 16 weeks early, and the same week I found I was unemployed.  That was a wakeup call that there is no such thing as job security.  The people at the company I thought were my friends.  I had helped them move - not a body, but the next closest thing.  I had to send resumes out to find a job while my wife was trying not to give birth.  Always have a backup plan.

Your blog is an asset even if you don't want to quit your job.  I wish that I had done more to prepare for that moment because it was like everything was being taken away from me, but the good news is that we got through it.  It wasn't easy, but we did it.  I knew from that moment that I wasn't going to give my future over to someone else's control.

I started out as a complete geek.  I'm less of a geek now, but still am one.  I was geeky about stuff that people wanted to know about - it wasn't just cartoons and comics.  I got approached to write articles.  I discovered you don't have to be a journalist to write articles.  If you have an interesting idea and can pitch an editor, you can get in print.  I was one of the first people in Europe who wrote about SV codes (or something?).  That led to books and speaking and other opportunities, and it led to getting an award from Microsoft.  That led to more opportunities, which taught me something very crucial: don't hide.  Be proud of who you are because the opportunities come to people who they can identify.  We don't give awards to anonymous.

The problem was that I got sick of computer programming, but that was where my entire living came from.  I slowly moved from it, not ditching it completely but instead moved sideways over to web master stuff.  In 2005, that allowed me to become self-employed, but I was just covering my bills.  The big mistake I made was that as the startup started to grow, the CEO said we want you to be 100% us, and I said ok.

When I said that I was never going to put my life in someone else's hands, I made the same mistake twice.  It was going so well, and I thought I was going to be a milionaire because I had stock options.  We were in the top 15 in Technorati in the first six months.  We had great writers and software, but I didn't realize we were burnining  through cash and not making any, and the rest is history.  Another company came along and said they wanted to buy the community.  We asked if they wanted the assets, but they just wanted the community - and the people in the community got wind of it, and there was a stampede for the doors.  There was a horror that people would be paid to write articles.

It did get sold but at a bargain basement price, and I was again out of a job and didn't have my millions. I had to reboot my site - and remember that I didn't have a blog because I had to be 100% to my company.  I am so grateful for my friends, because they were my lifelines.  Don't dismiss anybody.  If I talk to somebody, I do try to be present because you never know who they're going to be or how they could help you someday or how you could help them.  Think about those random dudes - dudettes - who you're meeting.

Because of that help from my friends, I had over 1,000 subscribers in the first month. Darren approached me and said "I think I'm going to do an ebook." I said ok, because I needed the money.  Wylie approached and asked if Darren could write a book on that topic, but I said lets toss that away, and do something new.  I was making money because of my blog but not directly on my blog.  It was a complement.  While I should have maybe pushed more on the ebook, I probably wouldn't be speaking if I hadn't got my name attached to Darren's.  Now I'm associated with Problogger.  It's a funny turn of events.

I've talked a bit about doing things that scares me.  It's important to talk to you about doing things that scare you.  If I can do it, you can as well.  I started speaking because I couldn't do it. I had a job teaching a class, and like people go to the zoo and hold spiders, I stand in front of audiences.  What scares you most about what you're doing?  Think about it, and then do it.  That's how we grow.  I call it moving the fear line. If you don't push the lines of your comfort zone, it becomes smaller.  If you don't grow your comfort zone, it shrinks, and I firmly beleive that.

I went kayaking and was upsidedown pulling the cord that's supposed to release you, but it wasn't working.  It felt like it was five minutes that I'm trying not to breathe water.  I was tapping at the sides like I'm supposed to, and finally the instructor flipped me over.  "What happened?"  He asked if I pulled my cord, and I said that I had.  He explained that I had to pull it out and then up - that would have been good information to have.  I had written a whole article in my head while I was underwater doing this. I faced a huge fear that I have.  I'm not going to literally die on stage.  Think about your fears and why you're not doing stuff, then do them.

When I'm talking about a full time business, I'm talking about not just paying the mortgage or putting away money for college education.  Even if you don't want to make money from your blog, it's about what you can do because of your blog.  You can speak or travel or meet people.  There are non-monetary benefits, too.  My income isn't linked to geography, so you can work anywhere.  That's a fantastic thing, especially when you bring family into the equation.  When I worked 9-5, I had to ask permission to go to the doctor, I had to ask permission to go to a school play.  That really grabbed my ear, but now I don't have to ask permission to do anything, especially those important things in my life.

Once you get past paying the bills, freedom is the most important thing.  Growing and doing cool things will be a great stress reliever.  One of my fears is selling.  I was getting people coming to me making me offers to come work for them.  I wasn't putting any offers out there.  The first dollar sign I put in an email, I got horrible response about how I was a spammer.  The first thing you do if you're going to sell yourself or your expertise is set the scene that you are in business and that you need to make money.  The people who are nasty are far outweighed by the people I help.

Monetizing with ads is great, but I haven't been able to do that as well as I have been able to monetize with services.  Most people I talk to go through this route - they do stuff.  I did freelance writing; I built websites.  Freelancing is a great way to make money using your knowledge and skills.  There's usually someone out there who wants to know about what you can do.  The next step is managing projects or managing people.  I will gather the technical guy, the hosting, and I will put it together.  You can earn more and do more projects at the same time.  The next step from actively managing is advising.  It's the next step because there is only so much scale with managing.  Advising and teaching is a great way to advance. It's helping a lot of people achieve their goals so you can achieve yours.  The next step is investing.  I haven't gotten there yet.  It's where you can invest yourself in other people.  As you work up that ladder, your freedom and security increase.  Your rewards increase, but you have to start somewhere.

This is how my business works now.  If you are monetizing with ads, that's great.  But when you have a product or service - when you have repeat customers - you have a business.  I have entry level, authority, and coaching bloggers I advise.  The key to make people as happy as possible is that you deliver on your promises and they get the results that you promised them.

Don't fear failure.  Embrace it.  I've made crazy mistakes before.  You sometimes learn more from your failures than your successes.  Make progress not perfection.  Don't hold off doing something because you think you should be perfect.  If you wait until it's perfect, it will be out of date the minute you put it out there.

This is a mistake I made in terms of income.  Don't put all your eggs in one basket.  You need an email list.  A friend lost all his Adsense income and other income based on traffic when Google turned off his traffic.  He was able to claw his way back and sell the site, but don't get stuck in this situation.

Most blogs suck.  My advice is to not suck.  The way to do this is to help your audience.  You have to get out there and promote.  You have to network and make your content king.

You have to decide you're going to make money or not make money.  If you want to make money, are you a magazine or are you a service?  If you sell a book, you're a service.  If you're not, you're a magazine and embrace it.

You can't control the conversation.  Make sure people know your twitter account.  Make sure you have your contact information right there.  People will complain.  Just make sure you have an answer - and ignore the crazies.

Google will have the good content filter to the top.  It will happen eventually, so put your best stuff out there. The more you write, the more traffic you will get.  But if the visitor sees some rubbish, they won't come back.  I only post every 2 weeks now because I really work on my articles.  Don't beat yourself up for not writing.  Never write a post apologizing for not having written for so long.

Nobody cares about you - they care about them.  WIIFM is everybody's favorite radio station.  The most interested person is the most interesting person.  Make it about them.  Attract, engage, and convert - in that order.  Most people try to go to that sale first, but that's wrong.  It's what spammers do.

Be a human being, be approachable.  Have a conversation.  You'll otherwise lose more people than you gain, and share with them what's in it for them.  You have to have something useful, valuable, and free if you want to build up your audience.

I used to want to be my brother.  I used to wear his old hand me down clothes.  He's now a wannabe rock star, and he's shared the stage with Red Hot Chili Peppers.  I'm never going to be like my brother, and it's crazy to try.  Be you.  Be the best you you can be.  Everybody else is taken.  People will either connect to you or they won't.  If you are the best you can be while being open that you're an imperfect human being, that's when people will really connect with you.

Instead of passion, think about your purpose, your mission, what you should be doing in life.  If you  can find the intersection between what the audience cares about, what you know, what people are willing to pay for, and inset that with your passions, then that's where the magic happens.  It's hard work, but that's what you're going to be doing for a long time.

There's no such thing as driving traffic.  Attract traffic.  You're not the blog whisperer.

Discover what people want solved and then help them solve it.  That's something to be proud of, something to look in people's eyes and tell them.

Content is the bread and butter of what you do.  SEO without content is a bit nasty.  The social is the jelly on top.  All together, that's where it's awesome.  That's where it's the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  You can't have some elements without the others.

You need to find those blog buddies.  You need to make friends.  Don't find people to put into your network.  Think about why they should want you in their network.  Friends will stick around.  Your network will come and go.  There is always something you can do that others need.  Everyone is useful; you just need to find how.

Create a list.  This is why you need to be on my email subscription list - tell them.  And then provide good useful content to keep them coming back.  Only then should you pitch them on somethng.  Every link you get is an asset.  Every link you get that might send traffic to you is an asset.  Not all of this is made equal.  The conversion rate - depending on where traffic comes from - varies widely.  Work out where your best sources of traffic come from and then lavish attention on that source.

Educate - talk about the problems and how to solve them.  Inspire them - talk about stories of success and failure.  Motivate them - tell them that they can do something and give them the tips that they can do something so they can believe in themselves.  Next step - tell them the next step of what they do.  Always give them the next step.

Don't be the Sham-Wow guy.  The most basic offer that works is: Who are you, what do you have for me, What are you going to do to help me, why should I care, and what should I do next.  That works for your subscription signup form and for your ebook sales.

Really understand your audience.  Love them.  Build their trust.  And the way you build trust is by being valuable and consistent delivering on promises over time.  Don't be an anonymous robot. Be a human.  Why should someone read your blog and not someone else's?  Super important - make friends.  And always give a next step.

Alicia Sherman:  What is the absolute best part of your job and what you do?  What gets you up in the morning and drives you and makes you happy? The biggest reward is helping people.  I love getting the emails that tell me how I've helped them.  That isn't just a reward.  For every complaint I get, I need about 10 of those tobalance it out.  It's not just me.  If I get 3 negatives, I need nine positives.  That's what keeps me going - when I know I'm helping people.  Obviously paying the bills is important, too.

Kris Cain:  I have a similar background to you.  I worked in tech, built servers, etc.  I was laid off in January and was already planning to move more in the direction that you are, and I've started with the blogging and speaking, but what do I do next? Make your blog your portfolio that shows what you can do.  Tell people that you're in the business of what you want to do.  Tell people you're a programmer.  Don't rely on the blog to do all the work.  If you have to knock on doors or call people, do that.  Getting work is the most important thing.  Yes, you can get work through the blog, but maybe not straight away.  As long as you have the blog, you can use that to show what you can do once people find you.

Anne Parris: What's the first thing you do in the morning to get you set for the day? I check my emails first, but that probably sets me back.  I have set hours for when I know I'm going to work, and that's when I know I'm going to focus.  Figure out the best hours of the day for you, and focus on that.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

My First Grade Author

The wee ones are in summer school this year.  Unfortunately – and to her great chagrin – Little Miss did not get into the art class she wanted.  By the time we discovered this, the only classes open were reading and math.  I chose reading for her since her spelling and writing and behind in English since she’s in a Spanish immersion school.  She was not happy.  And yes, she let me know about it.  Personally, I can’t wait for the teen years.

That said, she brought home a series of papers last Friday of some of the work she’d done in class.  Looking through them, there were the usual worksheets on reading comprehension and vocabulary and the like where you have to circle or write the correct answer.  And then I found the writing prompts she worked on.

Honestly?  I’m still giggling.  I love seeing how her mind works, and it’s so interesting to see how she takes the language that the adults in her life use and then incorporates it into her writing.  Love. It.


When I was a baby (note that she’ll go her own way and crossed out the “young in” to better fit the story she wanted to tell) when I was in the hospital my brother took off my hat and he said – Your not supposde (sic) to wear a hat inside.

Yep, true story.  First time he met her when she was mere hours old, he came in and immediately ripped that crocheted hat off her head while she was laying in my arms, bouncing her head up and down a bit and causing a brief panic while we ensured that there was no damage to her fragile neck and head.  Apparently our rule about not wearing hats indoors had sunk in a little too well.


When I was young in Disneyland (really Disney World, we’ve never been to Disneyland, but I’ll go with it) we went on splash mountain and it has a big drop it was about 50 ft tall(.) I was not a happy camper(.) when we got off I asked who,s (sic – note there are no apostrophes in Spanish, something that didn’t dawn on me until I tried to explain them to her this spring) idea was that – mine said mi (sic – mi = my in Spanish) brother


When I was young in Six Flags we went on a ride and there was a big drop and on the way down I didn’t look(.) so happy. When we got off I said (notice the Spanish question marks) Who’s (sic) idea was that? I asked? Mine said my brother

Note: She hates the flume type rides.  She refuses to go on them.  This was her second experience (see the previous note), and I’m still not sure how they all talked her into going on it.  And her young?  That was last summer. 


When I was young in first grade we had a holloween (sic) party

Ummm and?  That’s really the best she can do?  I’m shocked that her teacher let her get away with that to be honest with you, but apparently summer school is (as it should be) a little more relaxed.  And you do all realize that she only finished first grade a couple weeks ago, right?  Apparently she has a different perspective on aging than I do.

This is another of her assignments that is going in the memory box so we can look back at it years from now and smile.  It’s cute, but it’s more than that – for me, it’s great feedback that yes, the reading (and writing) class was the right one to sign her up for this time around!  Fortunately, she’s decided she loves it, too.

What were your children’s favorite stories that they wrote or told?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

It’s “Summer” In Chicago

So you know what I’ve been doing so far today?  I mean besides doing three loads of laundry that needs to be complete before I leave for Type A tomorrow (yes, it’s a #TypeAConFail).  And getting the kids up and dressed and off to summer school.  And emptying the dishwasher.  And hanging up laundry, which means trying to find hangars.  How in the world do the wee ones have more clothes than hangars – when I still have at least another load of clothes to do?  I went hunting in their closets, which turned up most of what I needed.  The last five I found?  Sitting on the bathroom floor, of course.  Isn’t that where you store your hangars?
While I was in the midst of the hangar search, I finally changed out the wee ones summer clothes with their winter clothes.  Because, you know, we’re on Wednesday of Week Two of Summer School.  And summer does officially start later this afternoon.  This is actually the not the first time I switched out their closets for summer this year.

I should know better.  We live in Chicago, so those 85 degree days we had in mid March the week before spring break?  Of course it was just teasing and spring break was spent in jackets and coats and definitely long sleeves.  When it got warm again near the end of May?  Well, yeah… that was a tease, too.  Do you see what the thermometer told me on May 31?  May 31, people!



That was at five in the afternoon. It’s not like this was the low temperature for the day. In fact, the gauge gives the high and low over a twelve hour period or so, and the highest it got that day was not even 49 degrees. On the last day of May. Hold me.

Every time I’ve switched out their summer clothes for their winter clothes, it’s gotten freezing again.  I hope it does this time actually because the 95 degree heat with the 95 percent humidity is killing me.  Literally.  And our grass, too.  It stopped growing weeks ago and is August brown.  Thank goodness for our pool pass, because that’s where I’m headed once I pick up the wee ones.  Now that I’ve finished with the Hangar Hunt take 234,642.

Am I the only one who loses hangars like this?

How to Set Limits Without Losing Your Mind: Behavior Strategies That Make Life Easier

I have a continuing saga of Autism One posts, as I need to go through my notes in the hopes that I remember some of what I learned.  Bonus for you (ok, in my head I think it’s a bonus, so let’s hope it truly is) is that I put my notes online in a post so that at least this way I can find them easily – and search them, too.  There were so many sessions I attended that are applicable for all children, and this was definitely one of them.  Nicole Beurkens, PhD gave a great talk about behavior and not just how we can stop what we don’t want but a lot of discussion about why it occurs in the first place.

There are many many reasons for behavior issues from: poor processing skills, poor problem solving skills, lack of (quality) sleep, overwhelmed/anxious/stressed, poor communication (understanding and speaking), illness/pain/physical issues, lack of motivation, bad mood, testing to see what will happen, and more....

Poor processing skills - these are individuals with processing problems.  The brain isn't able to make sense of the information as quickly or accurately as others.  It can be a host of issues, visual, auditory, etc.  When your brain is slower in processing this, you get overwhelmed.

Poor problem solving skills - lacking the ability to think through “how I would solve this issue.”  When plan a doesn't work, they lack the ability to think through what the next options may be.

Lack of quality sleep - There are a lot of individuals who are not getting good quality restorative sleep at night. They can't get focused or process well this way.

Overwhelmed/stressed - the more we feel this way, the more we will respond in ways that are not ideal.

Poor communication skills – whether it is receptive or expressive issues, this leads to behavior challenges.

Pain/illness/etc - This tends to be really overlooked in this population.  Once they have a diagnosis of autism, everything gets locked into this box.  “Oh, this is because of autism” where they have underlying medical issues.

Motivation - we have to look long and hard about what our kid are spending time doing.  If they are engaged in repetitive and meaningless programs (to them), then they shut down.  If there is not something to work for, that can certainly lead to frustration and behavior challenges.

Bad mood - Just like the rest of us, these kids are entitled to bad mood days.

Testing to see what happens - Of course they're going to do this.

The first step in really addressing behavior challenges is understanding the underlying reasons for this individual.  You hear a lot of functional behavior analysis, etc.  They can be good processes but don't go far enough.  a lot of times, people will say people are just doing this for attention or because they're resisting something.  We often have to look at some of these other issues first before we can rule them out and move to those reasons.

Some of the biggest mistakes that parents make. 
One of the biggest is becoming emotional.  I'll tell you that when we as the adult begin to become emotional about the behavior, it almost becomes the kiss of death because we become involved in this spiral of death.

Taking things personally - one of the saddest initial consultations, a child who had extreme underlying medical and health issues and severe self injuries and acting out behavior.  The child is very disregulated and overwhelmed with life.  The dad said "she just hates me" - it was important to acknowledge that he felt that way, and it gives the opportunity to talk about the challenges they have are not personal attacks against us as parents, though it can feel that way at times.

Inconsistent expectations - Sometimes parents and staff will expect a lot from a child in one environment and not in another.  The bar is sometimes held at one level one day and another another day.  This creates confusion in the child over what the expectation is.  She is a very firm believer in high expectations for every child in every situation.  Every child can be a little bit better tomorrow and the next day - with support to reach those.  "Better" looks different for every child.

Inconsistent responses - One day things are ok, and the next day we clamp down on it.  This often comes up with dads who are a laid back guy and things are going ok and it doesn't bother them and then they lose it.  You go from no response to lowering the hammer.  By consistently responding to inappropriate or challenging behaviors, this helps the child respond to what is not appropriate and also helps children keep themselves regulated.

Ineffective communication - talking abut more effective communication strategies to get through the child.  Not every child will understand reasoning and not in every situation.  Once they go past a certain point, even the most even-tempered child can’t understand what you’re saying when they’re in the midst of that meltdown.  Getting the right communication that is effective for your child is key.

Rule 1 - Stay calm
If you are not emotional and behaviorally regulated, then your child will not be either.  Keep a calm but firm voice and presence.  Stay in the here and now.  Speak and move slowly to give yourself time to think.  Many of these are very simple strategies, and nothing you haven't heard before.  Just because something is simple doesn't mean it's easy to do.  Stay calm definitely fits there.  If adults can't master staying calm in the face of a child's disregulation, nothing else is going to be effective.  Part of that is because we provide a model to the child in those moments.  It shows what needs to happen in that moment.  If they get worked up and we get worked up right along with them, no one is steering the ship and showing how to stay calm and regulated.

Some tools to help do this:  Keep a very calm voice and presence.  It's almost like the more loud and frantic a child is getting, the more you do the opposite.  The more you get quiet and soft and slow because competing with the loud child is not going to provide an environment for the child to calm down.  It is important to be firm, as this is not just wimping out.

It's also important to stay in the here and now. Parents say that it goes through their heads like "what if they're 18 and still doing this" and suddenly in that moment you are living 20 or 30 years down the pike, and that's getting you even more worked up because now the situation with a 3 or 7 year old has taken you to a place a fear and anxiety.  It's important to stay in the here and now and focus on what's going on in front of you and not allowing your mind to skyrocket into the future and have the heart rate go up, panicking in the what if mode.

Speak and move slowly to give yourself to think.  One thing she sees happen, the more upset the child gets, the more frantic the parent gets.  They feel like they have to do something immediately which puts us into a fight or flight mode, so we can't think abut how to deal with the situation best.  We need to slow down that sets a tone of safety and allowing some time and space to work through this.  It brings the tenor of the emotional situation down a few notches.  When parents and teachers and everyone can master this, it changes the picture of those interactions around negative behaviors.

Rule 2 - Communicate Clearly
Make statements - don't ask questions.  Say what you need to say and nothing more.  Don't lecture; don't try to rationalize.  Don't respond to everything that comes from your child mouth.

Make more statements instead of asking questions. When things start to unravel for your child, we try to get information from our child to get an idea what's going on.  We ask what's wrong, what do you need, etc.  We have a child who is already overwhelmed and having difficulty keeping it together.  Now there is all this complex language that they have to process and respond to.  And now - I've asked a questions, you need to respond to it.  It's much more effective to make statements instead of asking questions.  Instead of what's the problem, state "wow, something is not working well" or "wow, you look really upset."  It puts a more supportive spin on things and lets the child know you aren't going to put more pressure on the child to respond.

Say what you need to say and then know when to stop talking.  This is a hard one.  Because processing systems get overwhelmed so quickly, we are talking more than what they can make sense of, so we overwhelm them more.  We need to learn to be comfortable with stopping and not doing any more talking. Silence and processing time is ok.  Things start to take a real negative turn when we feel like "This is a moment to teach a lesson."  Don't lecture.  When we start in with this lecture, it adds fuel to the fire, as they are already in a state of fight or flight, and this only exacerbates the situation.  Their brain is not functioning optimally.  It starts to say "red alert, shut down nonessential areas for functioning."  One of the first areas to shut down is the thinking and rationalizing part of our brain in the frontal cortex.  In the heat of the moment is not the time to have this discussion because their brain is not engaged in a way they can make sense of it in the moment.  This is not to suggest that you should not talk to them after the fact about what happened and what they should and should not do.

Sometimes as adults, we feel compelled to respond to every thing that comes from our child's mouth.  When children are trying to keep themselves in check, they are like the stereotypical teenager who says things that don't require a response where we end up on a hamster wheel going around and around and back and forth.  It helps no one.  Sometimes it may be a series of questions that they already know or repetitive questions or it may be some really mean and nasty things.  Just don't respond.  What majority of parents discover is that responding only perpetuates the cycle and makes things worse.  In the heat of the moment and even across the board, know that you don't have to respond to everything that comes out of your child's mouth.  You do want to avoid getting on the hamster wheel.

Use language your child can understand.  The more stressful situations may mean that language they can understand in normal situations is something they can't process.  The more stressed they are, the less they are making sense of the communication coming at them.  The more stressful the situation, the more we have to reduce the complexity of our communication.  Focus on using more nonverbal communication instead, especially in the heat of the moment.  Often a verbal directive or attempt to redirect them will fluster and get them upset where using a nonverbal gesture works better.  A child who doesn't want to do homework, you start with "ok, let's do problems 1-5" gets things wound up again.  Instead, point at a problem or put the paper back in front of them.  Kids who get really flustered about getting backpack ready to leave in the morning, point to the backpack.  Just taking the verbal piece out of it reduces the complexity of what they have to process and also gives them a firm idea of what needs to happen. 

Rule 3 - Stop the Action
Sometimes the best action to take in the heat of the moment is no action at all

One of the keys to really effectively managing highly stressful situations, think tantrums or overwhelmed, we feel like we have to do something right away to make it stop.  Sometimes the best action we can take is to stop and wait.  Give them time to process and some space.  It gives the child a chance to calm down and start processing what's going on.  This is with the  caveat that when there is a safety issues, this is not applicable - common sense.  Very often, these kinds of behavior issues don't involve an immediate safety issue.  This is incredibly important in schools where they need to let things try to resolve themselves.

It's about finding the space between forcing and a free for all.  There are two opposing options in most people's heads, but this isn't the case.  “You are going to do X,” a force mentality.  Many of use know that this is just going to exacerbate the situation.  When we try to force a child to do something, at best is a surface level compliance.  What we don't get is any thoughtful understanding of what's going on in the situation so things don't get better over time.  The other end is the free for all - every time we try to do this, he gets upset so we're just not going to do that.  When we just allow the kid to do what they're going to do anyway, there is no learning that comes from this.  There is a great middle ground, which is where the stop and wait comes in.

What does this look like?  Don't let the child get away.  Don't try to force the child to do anything. Maintain a close physical zone of connection if needed. Don't walk away while they have a tantrum, just wait expectantly with them.  It teaches the child to come back on their own.

Rule 4 - Be consistent
Inconsistency make things much more difficult.  If you say something is going to happen, then follow through - but know when to fold.  Figure out what is going to work for you in terms of expectations and consequences, and then stick with it.

Being consistent is so important.  This is not like keeping everything the same in a complete routine.  This is about having one set of expectations day in and day out.  This is especially the case when we tell the child that something is going to happen when they make a choice.  Frequently, a family will say that something is going to happen and then they don't consistently follow through with it.  This is about the telling one time what's going to happen and then enforce it.  Don't give warning after warning or what you do means nothing.  You have to follow through, but know when to fold.  You will all at some point have a threat or consequence flies out before you think about it and you wish you hadn't said it.  You need to know when to say "you know what, I need to take a minute to think because I just said something and didn't mean it."  That teaches our kids that sometimes we say and do things without thinking and it models how they should behave when they do it, too.  In general, when you say something is or is not going to happen, that is exactly what is or isn't going to happen.  You need to have that kind of relationship with your children, too.

You need to figure out what works for you.  Every family is different and there are different things that work or don't work for you.  Figure it out an then stick with it.

Rule 5 - Focus on the positive
This seems so simple, but we forget about it.  If you have a child who is spending a lot of time acting out or being criticized, it gives your child the knowledge that you do appreciate them when you focus on the positive.  It helps balance out the negative that has to be focused on sometimes.  It also allows the parents to focus on the positive sometimes because we are so often thinking about the negative.  When we're in that place, that keeps us from positively engaging with our children and from staying calm.  It's important for us to stop and remember that there are positive things that happen, no matter what.  You can find something in the course of a day where you can say, wow I was so impressed that you just did that. 

Positive reinforcement works best.  Focus on the positive of "sure you can have this once you do x."  Form things in a positive way of what can happen once we do something else.

Remind yourself of the good things your child does, and make time to have fun together and enjoy each other.  When you do this, it makes a world of difference in terms of your ability to stay calm when your child does have challenges.

Nicole Beurkens, PhD
info@horizonsdrc.com
Free resources on the web - horizonsdrc.com

Yes, a lot of it is common sense, but putting it all together really makes a big difference.  I’m one of the talkers when the wee ones are upset, and I know I need to chill more there, and I’m working on it.  I also love the reminder that when we accidentally come out with a major consequence (no going to the pool for the rest of the month if you X), we can back up if needed and it’s not a bad thing – provided we’re not doing it all the time.  What are some of the behavior lessons that most stick with you?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Homemade Bread Pudding–Tasty Tuesday!

Last week while Little Miss was at Girl Scout camp, my husband and I took Mister Man out for dinner.  We allowed Mister Man to choose the dessert and for whatever reason, he chose bread pudding.  He’d never had it before and wasn’t really sure what it was, but when it appeared at the table, his eyes lit up.  We had to fight him to get our “fair” share of the yummy dessert.

So of course what did my son ask?  Mommy, can you make me bread pudding at home?  How can I say no to such a cutie.  So of course I had to make it.  Fortunately Mister Man also invited some friends over for dinner last night, so it was the perfect opportunity to make it – because I’ve never made bread pudding myself, so why not experiment and play when I have company coming over?  I ended up making an apple and raisin bread pudding (because ummm yum, right?) with a custard sauce (because everything tastes better with custard.

It was awesome.  Sweet but not overly so.  Not too rich, and not overpowering an any one flavor with lots of good textures.  This is definitely a keeper.  And hush, yes, I did have some of the leftovers for my breakfast this morning.

bread pudding recipes

Homemade Bread Pudding

Ingredients:
7 cups French bread, in one inch cubes
3 eggs
1 egg yolk
3 cups milk, separated
3/4 c brown sugar
1 t cinnamon
1/2 t nutmeg
1 t salt
1/2 c raisins
1 Granny Smith apple
2 T corn starch
1/4 c sugar
2 t vanilla, separated

Directions:
Cut the bread into 1 inch cubes, and let them sit out for several hours or overnight until they are dried out and stale.  If you forget, you can bake them in your oven at the lowest temperature you can (my oven goes down to 200 degrees) for a half hour or so.  Soak your raisins in 2 cups of the milk for several hours in the fridge, which will help them get nice and plump later.  Grease an 8x8 glass pan.

Strain the raisins from the milk, and cut your apple into small bites.  Mix the apple with the raisins and bread cubes gently and place into your greased pan.  In a separate bowl, whisk the 3 eggs until well-beaten.  Slowly add the 2 cups of milk and then the brown sugar.  Be sure there are no clumps of brown sugar remaining, but know that the brown sugar won’t completely dissolve at this point and that’s ok.  Add the cinnamon, nutmeg, and 1 t vanilla to the milk and mix well.  Pour the milk mixture evenly over the bread.  Use a spatula to push the bread down gently.  Let this sit for ten to fifteen minutes, then stir it gently to get the well-soaked pieces to the top and the drier pieces to the bottom.  Let it sit another ten or so minutes, then stir again and all should be well-soaked.

bread pudding recipes

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.  Bake this for 40-45 minutes until the top is starting to turn very lightly golden brown.  The top of the bread pudding will spring back gently when pushed, rather than simply mushing down, too.  Let the bread pudding cool some before serving so that it firms up well and cuts nicely.

bread pudding recipes
Yes, this is done a little too much.  I sort of didn't hear the timer going off, but it was still yummy!

While the bread pudding is baking, make the custard sauce.  Mix together the egg yolk, 1/4 c sugar and corn starch on the top of a double boiler (or very heavy saucepan).  Slowly add the reserved 1 cup milk while whisking, which will help keep it from getting lumpy.  Keep whisking until it thickens, which will take a little over five minutes once the water has boiled so that nothing scorches.  Once it is thick, remove it from the heat and add the last 1 t vanilla and stir until it is incorporated.

bread pudding recipe

Serve the bread pudding either warmed or at room temperature, ditto with the sauce.  Don’t put the sauce atop the bread pudding until it is being served so that the bread pudding doesn’t get all mushy.  Super easy, but it looks so special and fancy!

Enjoy this and more with Blessed With Grace and Tempt My Tummy Tuesday. Also posting now with A Southern Fairytale and her Mouthwatering Monday.

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