Type A Conference Keynote Speaker Chris Garrett

Below is the notes I took from the Type A Conference keynote speech by Chris Garrett who can be found @chrisgarrett.

I want to makesure that your blogs are awesome and that you can make a full time living from it.  Who here  wants to make a full time living from your blog?  Most people.  Who really just wants to write it and doesn't care about the money thing?  Ok, some of those, too.

I want to give you a little of my story - not to say that I'm awesome, because I'm not - but so you can learn from what I did, some things right and some wrong and some tips on blogging, what you should do instead.  I will share the presentation out afterwards.  Don't look at me if I'm putting you off your meal.

It all started when my cousin came around with a computer when I was five.  I was fascinated.  And the reason why I illustrate this is because people say, "It's too late to get into blogging, you have to have been an early adoptor."  And that's true.  There is an early adopter advantage, but there  is also a disadvantage because you are the ones who are going first and making mistakes.  Stay curious; there's always something new.

Pinterest took me completely by surprise.  I missed it.  I'm male.  We're selling themes using Pinterest.  How stupid was I?  Two things: stay curious, and it's never too late.

I started learning from the day my dad brought home a computer, and he regretted it five years later.  He always wanted me off the computer and outside, but it worked out ok.

Who recognizes the modem on the screen?  If you do, you probably also hear the sound in your head.  In the early days of social media, you had to dial in, wait for it and check for messages on bulletin boards.  What it did for me was make me realize that I wasn't the only geek in the world, and this for me speaks volumes about the people who are in this room.  We're all here because we have a shared interest.  Finding people who share these interests is powerful.  They're the peple who inspire you to do different things.  It so makes you feel that you're not alone.  When the nasty people do attack, you can ask if you really suck and they'll tell you, "Yes, but only a bit."  There are some people who won't understand, so reach out to your tribe for support.

After the bulletin boards and all that good stuff, I started writing an online diary, but there wasn't any WordPress, but I was a geek so I hand coded it over a couple months - don't do that!  Once of the worst mistakes I made was changing the url of my site, changing the structure of my site, changing my perspective.  From the beginning until about 2007, it was constantly changing, and it confused my own people.

People started coming to me for computer advice.  I put the articles about them online only to keep me from having to repeat myself.  The crazy thing that was that people started sending me checks.  They would find the article and then ask them to come into the office and fix this computer problem.  I said that I could just expand the article, but they wanted me to come in.  The fact that I could make money from writing articles blew me away.  Indirectly, I was monetizing.  If people had told me that I could monetize the articles I was writing, I wouldn't have believed them.

I actually made good money from it where I had the content to do it.  You don't have to be confident, just have good stuff to share.  If there's only lesson to take away from me, you don't have to be a competent person, just have good content.  You just need to have a way to help people.

My wife went into labor 16 weeks early, and the same week I found I was unemployed.  That was a wakeup call that there is no such thing as job security.  The people at the company I thought were my friends.  I had helped them move - not a body, but the next closest thing.  I had to send resumes out to find a job while my wife was trying not to give birth.  Always have a backup plan.

Your blog is an asset even if you don't want to quit your job.  I wish that I had done more to prepare for that moment because it was like everything was being taken away from me, but the good news is that we got through it.  It wasn't easy, but we did it.  I knew from that moment that I wasn't going to give my future over to someone else's control.

I started out as a complete geek.  I'm less of a geek now, but still am one.  I was geeky about stuff that people wanted to know about - it wasn't just cartoons and comics.  I got approached to write articles.  I discovered you don't have to be a journalist to write articles.  If you have an interesting idea and can pitch an editor, you can get in print.  I was one of the first people in Europe who wrote about SV codes (or something?).  That led to books and speaking and other opportunities, and it led to getting an award from Microsoft.  That led to more opportunities, which taught me something very crucial: don't hide.  Be proud of who you are because the opportunities come to people who they can identify.  We don't give awards to anonymous.

The problem was that I got sick of computer programming, but that was where my entire living came from.  I slowly moved from it, not ditching it completely but instead moved sideways over to web master stuff.  In 2005, that allowed me to become self-employed, but I was just covering my bills.  The big mistake I made was that as the startup started to grow, the CEO said we want you to be 100% us, and I said ok.

When I said that I was never going to put my life in someone else's hands, I made the same mistake twice.  It was going so well, and I thought I was going to be a milionaire because I had stock options.  We were in the top 15 in Technorati in the first six months.  We had great writers and software, but I didn't realize we were burnining  through cash and not making any, and the rest is history.  Another company came along and said they wanted to buy the community.  We asked if they wanted the assets, but they just wanted the community - and the people in the community got wind of it, and there was a stampede for the doors.  There was a horror that people would be paid to write articles.

It did get sold but at a bargain basement price, and I was again out of a job and didn't have my millions. I had to reboot my site - and remember that I didn't have a blog because I had to be 100% to my company.  I am so grateful for my friends, because they were my lifelines.  Don't dismiss anybody.  If I talk to somebody, I do try to be present because you never know who they're going to be or how they could help you someday or how you could help them.  Think about those random dudes - dudettes - who you're meeting.

Because of that help from my friends, I had over 1,000 subscribers in the first month. Darren approached me and said "I think I'm going to do an ebook." I said ok, because I needed the money.  Wylie approached and asked if Darren could write a book on that topic, but I said lets toss that away, and do something new.  I was making money because of my blog but not directly on my blog.  It was a complement.  While I should have maybe pushed more on the ebook, I probably wouldn't be speaking if I hadn't got my name attached to Darren's.  Now I'm associated with Problogger.  It's a funny turn of events.

I've talked a bit about doing things that scares me.  It's important to talk to you about doing things that scare you.  If I can do it, you can as well.  I started speaking because I couldn't do it. I had a job teaching a class, and like people go to the zoo and hold spiders, I stand in front of audiences.  What scares you most about what you're doing?  Think about it, and then do it.  That's how we grow.  I call it moving the fear line. If you don't push the lines of your comfort zone, it becomes smaller.  If you don't grow your comfort zone, it shrinks, and I firmly beleive that.

I went kayaking and was upsidedown pulling the cord that's supposed to release you, but it wasn't working.  It felt like it was five minutes that I'm trying not to breathe water.  I was tapping at the sides like I'm supposed to, and finally the instructor flipped me over.  "What happened?"  He asked if I pulled my cord, and I said that I had.  He explained that I had to pull it out and then up - that would have been good information to have.  I had written a whole article in my head while I was underwater doing this. I faced a huge fear that I have.  I'm not going to literally die on stage.  Think about your fears and why you're not doing stuff, then do them.

When I'm talking about a full time business, I'm talking about not just paying the mortgage or putting away money for college education.  Even if you don't want to make money from your blog, it's about what you can do because of your blog.  You can speak or travel or meet people.  There are non-monetary benefits, too.  My income isn't linked to geography, so you can work anywhere.  That's a fantastic thing, especially when you bring family into the equation.  When I worked 9-5, I had to ask permission to go to the doctor, I had to ask permission to go to a school play.  That really grabbed my ear, but now I don't have to ask permission to do anything, especially those important things in my life.

Once you get past paying the bills, freedom is the most important thing.  Growing and doing cool things will be a great stress reliever.  One of my fears is selling.  I was getting people coming to me making me offers to come work for them.  I wasn't putting any offers out there.  The first dollar sign I put in an email, I got horrible response about how I was a spammer.  The first thing you do if you're going to sell yourself or your expertise is set the scene that you are in business and that you need to make money.  The people who are nasty are far outweighed by the people I help.

Monetizing with ads is great, but I haven't been able to do that as well as I have been able to monetize with services.  Most people I talk to go through this route - they do stuff.  I did freelance writing; I built websites.  Freelancing is a great way to make money using your knowledge and skills.  There's usually someone out there who wants to know about what you can do.  The next step is managing projects or managing people.  I will gather the technical guy, the hosting, and I will put it together.  You can earn more and do more projects at the same time.  The next step from actively managing is advising.  It's the next step because there is only so much scale with managing.  Advising and teaching is a great way to advance. It's helping a lot of people achieve their goals so you can achieve yours.  The next step is investing.  I haven't gotten there yet.  It's where you can invest yourself in other people.  As you work up that ladder, your freedom and security increase.  Your rewards increase, but you have to start somewhere.

This is how my business works now.  If you are monetizing with ads, that's great.  But when you have a product or service - when you have repeat customers - you have a business.  I have entry level, authority, and coaching bloggers I advise.  The key to make people as happy as possible is that you deliver on your promises and they get the results that you promised them.

Don't fear failure.  Embrace it.  I've made crazy mistakes before.  You sometimes learn more from your failures than your successes.  Make progress not perfection.  Don't hold off doing something because you think you should be perfect.  If you wait until it's perfect, it will be out of date the minute you put it out there.

This is a mistake I made in terms of income.  Don't put all your eggs in one basket.  You need an email list.  A friend lost all his Adsense income and other income based on traffic when Google turned off his traffic.  He was able to claw his way back and sell the site, but don't get stuck in this situation.

Most blogs suck.  My advice is to not suck.  The way to do this is to help your audience.  You have to get out there and promote.  You have to network and make your content king.

You have to decide you're going to make money or not make money.  If you want to make money, are you a magazine or are you a service?  If you sell a book, you're a service.  If you're not, you're a magazine and embrace it.

You can't control the conversation.  Make sure people know your twitter account.  Make sure you have your contact information right there.  People will complain.  Just make sure you have an answer - and ignore the crazies.

Google will have the good content filter to the top.  It will happen eventually, so put your best stuff out there. The more you write, the more traffic you will get.  But if the visitor sees some rubbish, they won't come back.  I only post every 2 weeks now because I really work on my articles.  Don't beat yourself up for not writing.  Never write a post apologizing for not having written for so long.

Nobody cares about you - they care about them.  WIIFM is everybody's favorite radio station.  The most interested person is the most interesting person.  Make it about them.  Attract, engage, and convert - in that order.  Most people try to go to that sale first, but that's wrong.  It's what spammers do.

Be a human being, be approachable.  Have a conversation.  You'll otherwise lose more people than you gain, and share with them what's in it for them.  You have to have something useful, valuable, and free if you want to build up your audience.

I used to want to be my brother.  I used to wear his old hand me down clothes.  He's now a wannabe rock star, and he's shared the stage with Red Hot Chili Peppers.  I'm never going to be like my brother, and it's crazy to try.  Be you.  Be the best you you can be.  Everybody else is taken.  People will either connect to you or they won't.  If you are the best you can be while being open that you're an imperfect human being, that's when people will really connect with you.

Instead of passion, think about your purpose, your mission, what you should be doing in life.  If you  can find the intersection between what the audience cares about, what you know, what people are willing to pay for, and inset that with your passions, then that's where the magic happens.  It's hard work, but that's what you're going to be doing for a long time.

There's no such thing as driving traffic.  Attract traffic.  You're not the blog whisperer.

Discover what people want solved and then help them solve it.  That's something to be proud of, something to look in people's eyes and tell them.

Content is the bread and butter of what you do.  SEO without content is a bit nasty.  The social is the jelly on top.  All together, that's where it's awesome.  That's where it's the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  You can't have some elements without the others.

You need to find those blog buddies.  You need to make friends.  Don't find people to put into your network.  Think about why they should want you in their network.  Friends will stick around.  Your network will come and go.  There is always something you can do that others need.  Everyone is useful; you just need to find how.

Create a list.  This is why you need to be on my email subscription list - tell them.  And then provide good useful content to keep them coming back.  Only then should you pitch them on somethng.  Every link you get is an asset.  Every link you get that might send traffic to you is an asset.  Not all of this is made equal.  The conversion rate - depending on where traffic comes from - varies widely.  Work out where your best sources of traffic come from and then lavish attention on that source.

Educate - talk about the problems and how to solve them.  Inspire them - talk about stories of success and failure.  Motivate them - tell them that they can do something and give them the tips that they can do something so they can believe in themselves.  Next step - tell them the next step of what they do.  Always give them the next step.

Don't be the Sham-Wow guy.  The most basic offer that works is: Who are you, what do you have for me, What are you going to do to help me, why should I care, and what should I do next.  That works for your subscription signup form and for your ebook sales.

Really understand your audience.  Love them.  Build their trust.  And the way you build trust is by being valuable and consistent delivering on promises over time.  Don't be an anonymous robot. Be a human.  Why should someone read your blog and not someone else's?  Super important - make friends.  And always give a next step.

Alicia Sherman:  What is the absolute best part of your job and what you do?  What gets you up in the morning and drives you and makes you happy? The biggest reward is helping people.  I love getting the emails that tell me how I've helped them.  That isn't just a reward.  For every complaint I get, I need about 10 of those tobalance it out.  It's not just me.  If I get 3 negatives, I need nine positives.  That's what keeps me going - when I know I'm helping people.  Obviously paying the bills is important, too.

Kris Cain:  I have a similar background to you.  I worked in tech, built servers, etc.  I was laid off in January and was already planning to move more in the direction that you are, and I've started with the blogging and speaking, but what do I do next? Make your blog your portfolio that shows what you can do.  Tell people that you're in the business of what you want to do.  Tell people you're a programmer.  Don't rely on the blog to do all the work.  If you have to knock on doors or call people, do that.  Getting work is the most important thing.  Yes, you can get work through the blog, but maybe not straight away.  As long as you have the blog, you can use that to show what you can do once people find you.

Anne Parris: What's the first thing you do in the morning to get you set for the day? I check my emails first, but that probably sets me back.  I have set hours for when I know I'm going to work, and that's when I know I'm going to focus.  Figure out the best hours of the day for you, and focus on that.

My First Grade Author

The wee ones are in summer school this year.  Unfortunately – and to her great chagrin – Little Miss did not get into the art class she wanted.  By the time we discovered this, the only classes open were reading and math.  I chose reading for her since her spelling and writing and behind in English since she’s in a Spanish immersion school.  She was not happy.  And yes, she let me know about it.  Personally, I can’t wait for the teen years.

That said, she brought home a series of papers last Friday of some of the work she’d done in class.  Looking through them, there were the usual worksheets on reading comprehension and vocabulary and the like where you have to circle or write the correct answer.  And then I found the writing prompts she worked on.

Honestly?  I’m still giggling.  I love seeing how her mind works, and it’s so interesting to see how she takes the language that the adults in her life use and then incorporates it into her writing.  Love. It.

When I was a baby (note that she’ll go her own way and crossed out the “young in” to better fit the story she wanted to tell) when I was in the hospital my brother took off my hat and he said – Your not supposde (sic) to wear a hat inside.

Yep, true story.  First time he met her when she was mere hours old, he came in and immediately ripped that crocheted hat off her head while she was laying in my arms, bouncing her head up and down a bit and causing a brief panic while we ensured that there was no damage to her fragile neck and head.  Apparently our rule about not wearing hats indoors had sunk in a little too well.

When I was young in Disneyland (really Disney World, we’ve never been to Disneyland, but I’ll go with it) we went on splash mountain and it has a big drop it was about 50 ft tall(.) I was not a happy camper(.) when we got off I asked who,s (sic – note there are no apostrophes in Spanish, something that didn’t dawn on me until I tried to explain them to her this spring) idea was that – mine said mi (sic – mi = my in Spanish) brother

When I was young in Six Flags we went on a ride and there was a big drop and on the way down I didn’t look(.) so happy. When we got off I said (notice the Spanish question marks) Who’s (sic) idea was that? I asked? Mine said my brother

Note: She hates the flume type rides.  She refuses to go on them.  This was her second experience (see the previous note), and I’m still not sure how they all talked her into going on it.  And her young?  That was last summer. 

When I was young in first grade we had a holloween (sic) party

Ummm and?  That’s really the best she can do?  I’m shocked that her teacher let her get away with that to be honest with you, but apparently summer school is (as it should be) a little more relaxed.  And you do all realize that she only finished first grade a couple weeks ago, right?  Apparently she has a different perspective on aging than I do.

This is another of her assignments that is going in the memory box so we can look back at it years from now and smile.  It’s cute, but it’s more than that – for me, it’s great feedback that yes, the reading (and writing) class was the right one to sign her up for this time around!  Fortunately, she’s decided she loves it, too.

What were your children’s favorite stories that they wrote or told?

It’s “Summer” In Chicago

So you know what I’ve been doing so far today?  I mean besides doing three loads of laundry that needs to be complete before I leave for Type A tomorrow (yes, it’s a #TypeAConFail).  And getting the kids up and dressed and off to summer school.  And emptying the dishwasher.  And hanging up laundry, which means trying to find hangars.  How in the world do the wee ones have more clothes than hangars – when I still have at least another load of clothes to do?  I went hunting in their closets, which turned up most of what I needed.  The last five I found?  Sitting on the bathroom floor, of course.  Isn’t that where you store your hangars?
While I was in the midst of the hangar search, I finally changed out the wee ones summer clothes with their winter clothes.  Because, you know, we’re on Wednesday of Week Two of Summer School.  And summer does officially start later this afternoon.  This is actually the not the first time I switched out their closets for summer this year.

I should know better.  We live in Chicago, so those 85 degree days we had in mid March the week before spring break?  Of course it was just teasing and spring break was spent in jackets and coats and definitely long sleeves.  When it got warm again near the end of May?  Well, yeah… that was a tease, too.  Do you see what the thermometer told me on May 31?  May 31, people!

That was at five in the afternoon. It’s not like this was the low temperature for the day. In fact, the gauge gives the high and low over a twelve hour period or so, and the highest it got that day was not even 49 degrees. On the last day of May. Hold me.

Every time I’ve switched out their summer clothes for their winter clothes, it’s gotten freezing again.  I hope it does this time actually because the 95 degree heat with the 95 percent humidity is killing me.  Literally.  And our grass, too.  It stopped growing weeks ago and is August brown.  Thank goodness for our pool pass, because that’s where I’m headed once I pick up the wee ones.  Now that I’ve finished with the Hangar Hunt take 234,642.

Am I the only one who loses hangars like this?

How to Set Limits Without Losing Your Mind: Behavior Strategies That Make Life Easier

I have a continuing saga of Autism One posts, as I need to go through my notes in the hopes that I remember some of what I learned.  Bonus for you (ok, in my head I think it’s a bonus, so let’s hope it truly is) is that I put my notes online in a post so that at least this way I can find them easily – and search them, too.  There were so many sessions I attended that are applicable for all children, and this was definitely one of them.  Nicole Beurkens, PhD gave a great talk about behavior and not just how we can stop what we don’t want but a lot of discussion about why it occurs in the first place.

There are many many reasons for behavior issues from: poor processing skills, poor problem solving skills, lack of (quality) sleep, overwhelmed/anxious/stressed, poor communication (understanding and speaking), illness/pain/physical issues, lack of motivation, bad mood, testing to see what will happen, and more....

Poor processing skills - these are individuals with processing problems.  The brain isn't able to make sense of the information as quickly or accurately as others.  It can be a host of issues, visual, auditory, etc.  When your brain is slower in processing this, you get overwhelmed.

Poor problem solving skills - lacking the ability to think through “how I would solve this issue.”  When plan a doesn't work, they lack the ability to think through what the next options may be.

Lack of quality sleep - There are a lot of individuals who are not getting good quality restorative sleep at night. They can't get focused or process well this way.

Overwhelmed/stressed - the more we feel this way, the more we will respond in ways that are not ideal.

Poor communication skills – whether it is receptive or expressive issues, this leads to behavior challenges.

Pain/illness/etc - This tends to be really overlooked in this population.  Once they have a diagnosis of autism, everything gets locked into this box.  “Oh, this is because of autism” where they have underlying medical issues.

Motivation - we have to look long and hard about what our kid are spending time doing.  If they are engaged in repetitive and meaningless programs (to them), then they shut down.  If there is not something to work for, that can certainly lead to frustration and behavior challenges.

Bad mood - Just like the rest of us, these kids are entitled to bad mood days.

Testing to see what happens - Of course they're going to do this.

The first step in really addressing behavior challenges is understanding the underlying reasons for this individual.  You hear a lot of functional behavior analysis, etc.  They can be good processes but don't go far enough.  a lot of times, people will say people are just doing this for attention or because they're resisting something.  We often have to look at some of these other issues first before we can rule them out and move to those reasons.

Some of the biggest mistakes that parents make. 
One of the biggest is becoming emotional.  I'll tell you that when we as the adult begin to become emotional about the behavior, it almost becomes the kiss of death because we become involved in this spiral of death.

Taking things personally - one of the saddest initial consultations, a child who had extreme underlying medical and health issues and severe self injuries and acting out behavior.  The child is very disregulated and overwhelmed with life.  The dad said "she just hates me" - it was important to acknowledge that he felt that way, and it gives the opportunity to talk about the challenges they have are not personal attacks against us as parents, though it can feel that way at times.

Inconsistent expectations - Sometimes parents and staff will expect a lot from a child in one environment and not in another.  The bar is sometimes held at one level one day and another another day.  This creates confusion in the child over what the expectation is.  She is a very firm believer in high expectations for every child in every situation.  Every child can be a little bit better tomorrow and the next day - with support to reach those.  "Better" looks different for every child.

Inconsistent responses - One day things are ok, and the next day we clamp down on it.  This often comes up with dads who are a laid back guy and things are going ok and it doesn't bother them and then they lose it.  You go from no response to lowering the hammer.  By consistently responding to inappropriate or challenging behaviors, this helps the child respond to what is not appropriate and also helps children keep themselves regulated.

Ineffective communication - talking abut more effective communication strategies to get through the child.  Not every child will understand reasoning and not in every situation.  Once they go past a certain point, even the most even-tempered child can’t understand what you’re saying when they’re in the midst of that meltdown.  Getting the right communication that is effective for your child is key.

Rule 1 - Stay calm
If you are not emotional and behaviorally regulated, then your child will not be either.  Keep a calm but firm voice and presence.  Stay in the here and now.  Speak and move slowly to give yourself time to think.  Many of these are very simple strategies, and nothing you haven't heard before.  Just because something is simple doesn't mean it's easy to do.  Stay calm definitely fits there.  If adults can't master staying calm in the face of a child's disregulation, nothing else is going to be effective.  Part of that is because we provide a model to the child in those moments.  It shows what needs to happen in that moment.  If they get worked up and we get worked up right along with them, no one is steering the ship and showing how to stay calm and regulated.

Some tools to help do this:  Keep a very calm voice and presence.  It's almost like the more loud and frantic a child is getting, the more you do the opposite.  The more you get quiet and soft and slow because competing with the loud child is not going to provide an environment for the child to calm down.  It is important to be firm, as this is not just wimping out.

It's also important to stay in the here and now. Parents say that it goes through their heads like "what if they're 18 and still doing this" and suddenly in that moment you are living 20 or 30 years down the pike, and that's getting you even more worked up because now the situation with a 3 or 7 year old has taken you to a place a fear and anxiety.  It's important to stay in the here and now and focus on what's going on in front of you and not allowing your mind to skyrocket into the future and have the heart rate go up, panicking in the what if mode.

Speak and move slowly to give yourself to think.  One thing she sees happen, the more upset the child gets, the more frantic the parent gets.  They feel like they have to do something immediately which puts us into a fight or flight mode, so we can't think abut how to deal with the situation best.  We need to slow down that sets a tone of safety and allowing some time and space to work through this.  It brings the tenor of the emotional situation down a few notches.  When parents and teachers and everyone can master this, it changes the picture of those interactions around negative behaviors.

Rule 2 - Communicate Clearly
Make statements - don't ask questions.  Say what you need to say and nothing more.  Don't lecture; don't try to rationalize.  Don't respond to everything that comes from your child mouth.

Make more statements instead of asking questions. When things start to unravel for your child, we try to get information from our child to get an idea what's going on.  We ask what's wrong, what do you need, etc.  We have a child who is already overwhelmed and having difficulty keeping it together.  Now there is all this complex language that they have to process and respond to.  And now - I've asked a questions, you need to respond to it.  It's much more effective to make statements instead of asking questions.  Instead of what's the problem, state "wow, something is not working well" or "wow, you look really upset."  It puts a more supportive spin on things and lets the child know you aren't going to put more pressure on the child to respond.

Say what you need to say and then know when to stop talking.  This is a hard one.  Because processing systems get overwhelmed so quickly, we are talking more than what they can make sense of, so we overwhelm them more.  We need to learn to be comfortable with stopping and not doing any more talking. Silence and processing time is ok.  Things start to take a real negative turn when we feel like "This is a moment to teach a lesson."  Don't lecture.  When we start in with this lecture, it adds fuel to the fire, as they are already in a state of fight or flight, and this only exacerbates the situation.  Their brain is not functioning optimally.  It starts to say "red alert, shut down nonessential areas for functioning."  One of the first areas to shut down is the thinking and rationalizing part of our brain in the frontal cortex.  In the heat of the moment is not the time to have this discussion because their brain is not engaged in a way they can make sense of it in the moment.  This is not to suggest that you should not talk to them after the fact about what happened and what they should and should not do.

Sometimes as adults, we feel compelled to respond to every thing that comes from our child's mouth.  When children are trying to keep themselves in check, they are like the stereotypical teenager who says things that don't require a response where we end up on a hamster wheel going around and around and back and forth.  It helps no one.  Sometimes it may be a series of questions that they already know or repetitive questions or it may be some really mean and nasty things.  Just don't respond.  What majority of parents discover is that responding only perpetuates the cycle and makes things worse.  In the heat of the moment and even across the board, know that you don't have to respond to everything that comes out of your child's mouth.  You do want to avoid getting on the hamster wheel.

Use language your child can understand.  The more stressful situations may mean that language they can understand in normal situations is something they can't process.  The more stressed they are, the less they are making sense of the communication coming at them.  The more stressful the situation, the more we have to reduce the complexity of our communication.  Focus on using more nonverbal communication instead, especially in the heat of the moment.  Often a verbal directive or attempt to redirect them will fluster and get them upset where using a nonverbal gesture works better.  A child who doesn't want to do homework, you start with "ok, let's do problems 1-5" gets things wound up again.  Instead, point at a problem or put the paper back in front of them.  Kids who get really flustered about getting backpack ready to leave in the morning, point to the backpack.  Just taking the verbal piece out of it reduces the complexity of what they have to process and also gives them a firm idea of what needs to happen. 

Rule 3 - Stop the Action
Sometimes the best action to take in the heat of the moment is no action at all

One of the keys to really effectively managing highly stressful situations, think tantrums or overwhelmed, we feel like we have to do something right away to make it stop.  Sometimes the best action we can take is to stop and wait.  Give them time to process and some space.  It gives the child a chance to calm down and start processing what's going on.  This is with the  caveat that when there is a safety issues, this is not applicable - common sense.  Very often, these kinds of behavior issues don't involve an immediate safety issue.  This is incredibly important in schools where they need to let things try to resolve themselves.

It's about finding the space between forcing and a free for all.  There are two opposing options in most people's heads, but this isn't the case.  “You are going to do X,” a force mentality.  Many of use know that this is just going to exacerbate the situation.  When we try to force a child to do something, at best is a surface level compliance.  What we don't get is any thoughtful understanding of what's going on in the situation so things don't get better over time.  The other end is the free for all - every time we try to do this, he gets upset so we're just not going to do that.  When we just allow the kid to do what they're going to do anyway, there is no learning that comes from this.  There is a great middle ground, which is where the stop and wait comes in.

What does this look like?  Don't let the child get away.  Don't try to force the child to do anything. Maintain a close physical zone of connection if needed. Don't walk away while they have a tantrum, just wait expectantly with them.  It teaches the child to come back on their own.

Rule 4 - Be consistent
Inconsistency make things much more difficult.  If you say something is going to happen, then follow through - but know when to fold.  Figure out what is going to work for you in terms of expectations and consequences, and then stick with it.

Being consistent is so important.  This is not like keeping everything the same in a complete routine.  This is about having one set of expectations day in and day out.  This is especially the case when we tell the child that something is going to happen when they make a choice.  Frequently, a family will say that something is going to happen and then they don't consistently follow through with it.  This is about the telling one time what's going to happen and then enforce it.  Don't give warning after warning or what you do means nothing.  You have to follow through, but know when to fold.  You will all at some point have a threat or consequence flies out before you think about it and you wish you hadn't said it.  You need to know when to say "you know what, I need to take a minute to think because I just said something and didn't mean it."  That teaches our kids that sometimes we say and do things without thinking and it models how they should behave when they do it, too.  In general, when you say something is or is not going to happen, that is exactly what is or isn't going to happen.  You need to have that kind of relationship with your children, too.

You need to figure out what works for you.  Every family is different and there are different things that work or don't work for you.  Figure it out an then stick with it.

Rule 5 - Focus on the positive
This seems so simple, but we forget about it.  If you have a child who is spending a lot of time acting out or being criticized, it gives your child the knowledge that you do appreciate them when you focus on the positive.  It helps balance out the negative that has to be focused on sometimes.  It also allows the parents to focus on the positive sometimes because we are so often thinking about the negative.  When we're in that place, that keeps us from positively engaging with our children and from staying calm.  It's important for us to stop and remember that there are positive things that happen, no matter what.  You can find something in the course of a day where you can say, wow I was so impressed that you just did that. 

Positive reinforcement works best.  Focus on the positive of "sure you can have this once you do x."  Form things in a positive way of what can happen once we do something else.

Remind yourself of the good things your child does, and make time to have fun together and enjoy each other.  When you do this, it makes a world of difference in terms of your ability to stay calm when your child does have challenges.

Nicole Beurkens, PhD
info@horizonsdrc.com
Free resources on the web - horizonsdrc.com

Yes, a lot of it is common sense, but putting it all together really makes a big difference.  I’m one of the talkers when the wee ones are upset, and I know I need to chill more there, and I’m working on it.  I also love the reminder that when we accidentally come out with a major consequence (no going to the pool for the rest of the month if you X), we can back up if needed and it’s not a bad thing – provided we’re not doing it all the time.  What are some of the behavior lessons that most stick with you?

Homemade Bread Pudding–Tasty Tuesday!

Last week while Little Miss was at Girl Scout camp, my husband and I took Mister Man out for dinner.  We allowed Mister Man to choose the dessert and for whatever reason, he chose bread pudding.  He’d never had it before and wasn’t really sure what it was, but when it appeared at the table, his eyes lit up.  We had to fight him to get our “fair” share of the yummy dessert.

So of course what did my son ask?  Mommy, can you make me bread pudding at home?  How can I say no to such a cutie.  So of course I had to make it.  Fortunately Mister Man also invited some friends over for dinner last night, so it was the perfect opportunity to make it – because I’ve never made bread pudding myself, so why not experiment and play when I have company coming over?  I ended up making an apple and raisin bread pudding (because ummm yum, right?) with a custard sauce (because everything tastes better with custard.

It was awesome.  Sweet but not overly so.  Not too rich, and not overpowering an any one flavor with lots of good textures.  This is definitely a keeper.  And hush, yes, I did have some of the leftovers for my breakfast this morning.

Homemade Bread Pudding

Ingredients:
7 cups French bread, in one inch cubes
3 eggs
1 egg yolk
3 cups milk, separated
3/4 c brown sugar
1 t cinnamon
1/2 t nutmeg
1 t salt
1/2 c raisins
1 Granny Smith apple
2 T corn starch
1/4 c sugar
2 t vanilla, separated

Directions:
Cut the bread into 1 inch cubes, and let them sit out for several hours or overnight until they are dried out and stale.  If you forget, you can bake them in your oven at the lowest temperature you can (my oven goes down to 200 degrees) for a half hour or so.  Soak your raisins in 2 cups of the milk for several hours in the fridge, which will help them get nice and plump later.  Grease an 8x8 glass pan.

Strain the raisins from the milk, and cut your apple into small bites.  Mix the apple with the raisins and bread cubes gently and place into your greased pan.  In a separate bowl, whisk the 3 eggs until well-beaten.  Slowly add the 2 cups of milk and then the brown sugar.  Be sure there are no clumps of brown sugar remaining, but know that the brown sugar won’t completely dissolve at this point and that’s ok.  Add the cinnamon, nutmeg, and 1 t vanilla to the milk and mix well.  Pour the milk mixture evenly over the bread.  Use a spatula to push the bread down gently.  Let this sit for ten to fifteen minutes, then stir it gently to get the well-soaked pieces to the top and the drier pieces to the bottom.  Let it sit another ten or so minutes, then stir again and all should be well-soaked.

Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.  Bake this for 40-45 minutes until the top is starting to turn very lightly golden brown.  The top of the bread pudding will spring back gently when pushed, rather than simply mushing down, too.  Let the bread pudding cool some before serving so that it firms up well and cuts nicely.

Yes, this is done a little too much.  I sort of didn't hear the timer going off, but it was still yummy!

While the bread pudding is baking, make the custard sauce.  Mix together the egg yolk, 1/4 c sugar and corn starch on the top of a double boiler (or very heavy saucepan).  Slowly add the reserved 1 cup milk while whisking, which will help keep it from getting lumpy.  Keep whisking until it thickens, which will take a little over five minutes once the water has boiled so that nothing scorches.  Once it is thick, remove it from the heat and add the last 1 t vanilla and stir until it is incorporated.

Serve the bread pudding either warmed or at room temperature, ditto with the sauce.  Don’t put the sauce atop the bread pudding until it is being served so that the bread pudding doesn’t get all mushy.  Super easy, but it looks so special and fancy!

Enjoy this and more with Blessed With Grace and Tempt My Tummy Tuesday. Also posting now with A Southern Fairytale and her Mouthwatering Monday.

Creating an IEP Strategy

I’ve been writing off and on about the sessions I attended at the recent Autism One conference, so many of which are applicable for tons of people, not just those with autism or other special needs.  Some of my favorites were those about GMO foods and organic gardening, and I’ve also written about getting an outside evaluation instead of having the school district conduct your child’s evaluation.

Today it’s about IEP strategies, and this comes at a great time for me because Mister Man’s IEP has expired.   He needs a complete assessment before we can even write the IEP, which will happen when we get back to school in the fall.  Because he’s been in Catholic school for the past three years, he doesn’t have an IEP and I’m a little out of practice, so this came at the right time for me, especially as I’m a little leery of the changing autism diagnosis in the new DSM-V.

Timothy Adams, Esq. and Lynne Arnold presented a great panel on putting together the IEP strategy.  My notes from the session don’t capture it all, but the amount of information presented was amazing.

This is not about fighting your district; it's about fighting for your child.  This isn't about battle or war.  You just want to have the right strategies in place to get the outcome needed.  Everyone sitting around the table wants what is best for the child - it's not just about money or resources, but this is also about getting the district into compliance with state and federal laws and getting what the individual child needs. 

Any parent who wants to break out of the norm is likely to meets resistance.  95% of parents don't know the children's legal rights.  When talking about programs for your child, it isn't just the programs available in district because they don't necessarily meet the child's needs, so we need to look outside the district.

Why use an attorney in the process?
Most parents are afraid of the costs and complications.  Many districts say they want to work with you but won't work with you if you bring a lawyer.  Districts act differently when there is an attorney on board.  The district knows that someday there is a potential for reimbursement where they will have to pay back the hours you've put in.  They often will work to resolve issues more quickly if there is a lawyer involved so they don't have to reimburse lawyer fees.  They do not have to reimburse advocate fees, however. 

There is no standard for what is a qualified advocate, so watch what they are experienced with.  If you want to improve an IEP, use an advocate.  This may make you feel better about the process. The attorney is useful for getting what the district rarely or never offers for your child - that they need.  You let them know that you will go to a due process hearing if needed or filing a claim in court.

If you use an advocate or a lawyer, find out what their qualifications or experience is.  Get references and ask people why they liked working with someone.  This is a new field, so you have to be careful to get someone worth your money.

Deconstructing the IEP Process
If you have no idea how this works, you will lose a lot of time and help for your child, potentially.  One analogy is the idea of a cafeteria line - you will be in this with your child typically.  You either take what's there or you don't.  You don't go in and tell the lunch lady you want creme brulee.  The cook doesn't know what you're talking about, and it's not what they're offering, so either take it or don't. 
Many IEP meetings are telling you this is what we have, so take it or don't.  Federal law says you have to do what is appropriate for your child, regardless of what is available in district.  This is more like cooking from scratch.  This is where an independent evaluation comes in handy.  They will provide a recommendation that is best for your child and what they need, regardless of what is available in the district. 

The district still needs to provide what is necessary for your child and make it happen.  This is based on what is appropriate for your child in an independent evaluation.  This also keeps them cooking from scratch so you aren't getting generic recommendations.  Use what your child learns - which you learn by what a qualified neurologist has determined.

It's hard sometimes because of what little district staff know.  Sometimes it's intentional, sometimes they don't know about what they educate parents on.  So many districts create procedures to keep your IEP on a predetermined path, which is confusing for parents.  They are waiting and waiting for the reports hoping there is something good and then a special day class is recommended.  When a parents asks, “Where is the ABA component or another behavioral component?” the district responds with, “Oh, well, you should have recommended that you need a behavioral component, so we can't even start doing this until you sign off an IEP.”  However, the district is on notice that there should be a behavioral component to the assessment the moment that there is a suspected autism. 

If they tell you that program X is full, this is not your problem.  They still need to solve it and find the best solution for your child.  If something is full, they need to get a solution anyway - even if that's writing a check to do something in home or at a private school, etc.  If they throw up the "we have union issues around this" - that's still not your problem.  They still need to find a solution.

When you get an IEP goal, find out what it means.  The strategies need to be specific.  The only way to know what it means is to ask.  What does it meant to be exposed to the general education curriculum?  If my child is being exposed to this, will he know these things by the end of the year?  If it states "to develop positive peer interaction"  who are Johnny's peers?  What do those interactions looks like?  What is positive peer interactions? When it talks about "improve social skills" or "gain academic competence"  - what does this mean?  Why are there no goals around this in the IEP?  How do you measure this?  If the IEP states that your child "will not receive any grades"  - question it.  Why are there no grades in 3rd grade already? 

Mark up the IEP and ask all those questions.  Keep asking, because they may give you words that still don't explain what it means.  Ask what it looks like.  If some of the words or lingo doesn't make sense, ask!  Have a visual reference of how things are being taught and what is happening.

District's Top 15 common and unlawful IEP responses #3
We are done hearing from you now.  We are never done with the process of discussion until all questions are answered and the progress on goals, placement and services, new goals, etc.  You can set a reasonable time limit on a day, but the IEP creation may be a several day process.  It is imperative that your concerns and questions are addressed and that you are actively involved and that your concerns are also addressed and that the time for convening the meeting is not limited.  This may have to be reconvened on a different day.

Playing the blame game - this has to be turned around.  For every deficit, there should be a subsequent goal.  If you have a five year old and are told that they have speech of a two year old, there is a shame and blame going on – “we could do a good job if you could just send a normal kid to school,” but that's not who our children are.  How do we turn this around when our children's behaviors are so out of whack that they can't do something because of our child's limitations? 

Know everything bad that the school wants to say about your child.  I would love to know every challenge - every challenge you tell me, I want to know more.  When you tell me about something that has happened at school - when did it last happen?  How often does it happen?  Then I want to know - what did you do when this occurred?  Next, I want to know how did the child respond?  So often what teachers are going to describe to you is that they are continually doing something that does not work or makes it worse for your child.  Often this is used as an excuse to put the child in a more restrictive environment, which isn't necessary but caused because they're making it worse. 

Once you know all the issues, get a goal for every SINGLE issue.  For every problem, there will be a remediation.  Goals drive placement and services.  Don't let the district say that there are too many goals.  Learn to be a parent who is eager to learn the problems because you can't solve the problems until you know what they all are.

The district has an obligation to take the child as he comes.  You cannot be required to medicate, etc. before the district has to take the child and make meaningful progress.

Overcome the fear factor. 
What will happen if...  the parent rejects a school placement.  You as a parent have a right to choose to some extent how a child is educated.  You still have the right to make choices regarding appropriate education for your child.  Districts often use the Student Attendance Review Board to try to force your child into a program that you don't want in.  You have the right to supplement the education as you wish.  The district may take you to due process for this.  You may take an assessment from a district or go into a program to start out and then then be able to get into the "right" program. 

Districts often tell us that we have to sign something by a certain date, etc.  Don't feel pressured.  They have things they are required to do by law.  Parents don't.  Don't let them pressure you into doing things because of what they are legally required to do.

It is not our policy to assess a child first without conducting a student study team.
There are a gamut of policies that a district might put in front of you.  It has to not conflict with state or federal law with regards to what they have to do.  Federal law is going to control, although it won't cover every area.  If a policy sounds a bit fishy or is not clear what a policy is based in, ask about it.  The district will have to provide you a copy of the policy if you ask and have to explain how a policy is consistent with the law.

What are you doing and why? 
Learn to be a minimalist.  In the beginning, you tend to do what they ask you to do.  Think about if you want to do it now, if you want to do it in a different way.  You can decline things or provide minimal information.  Provide information on a need-to-know basis.  The amount of information or sign off you have to provide sometimes depends on what state you live in.  In California, if they give you an IEP offer, you can say yes to the speech but declining the offer to reduce the ABA.  If you do so, the old IEP continues until the child ages out.  In some states, the burden is on the parent to file for due process if you disagree.  Sometimes this dispute has to take place in the midst of due process, but it depends on what state you live in.

Two avenues for recourse - sometimes you and the district won't agree and you need to know what to do next.  You can either file a  compliance complaint through the CRP which is more for procedure issues.  For example, your child is supposed to receive 3 hours per week, and the therapist is on maternity leave and so we'll make it up at the end of the year.  This can be enforced with the hours mandated by a compliance report.  Explain the compliance violation with a copy of the IEP and that the district has communicated that the services won't be provided. 

Federal law requires that you go through an administrative hearing before you can go to court as part of a due process hearing.  They will hear the claims like a trial - usually an attorney on the district's side, an advocate or attorney on the parent's side and the issues have to be proved by the party with the burden of proof (varies by state).  Once you get a decision back, if either party doesn't like the decision, it can be appealed to a federal district or a state court, then you  can move up to an appeals court and keep moving through the process. 

When it comes to due process, it's important to note why you'd want a due process complaint v a compliance complaint filed.  If you have a right to complete an assessment within 60 days and hold an IEP, it's a pretty clear cut procedural violation.  If it's more subjective like you feel your child requires a behavior intervention program and there is a dispute over the level or type of service, then that is a more subjective decision that should go through a due process complaint.  This could not go to a compliance complaint, although the violations could go through due process - but that's more costly.

Concerns over labeling your child
If we determine eligibility under autism or autistic like characteristics, you child will be labeled for life.  Do you want this?  In most cases, no one looks at your child's educational file because no one has the time.  So many teachers never even look at a child's IEP.  If this is relevant to any college in the future, then they need an appropriate designation on the IEP with the hope that it is all remediated.  If the kids don't get this label, the other kids in school will label him with something else.  There is an emotional appeal for your child to get nothing instead of what's appropriate. 

It is not meaningful to worry about labeling your child.  you don't need a medical diagnosis to get a label.  You  could have zero diagnosis and get a label, as there is a legal definition that the districts can use based on federal and state law without having a diagnosis to use to get an IEP or services.

Getting Support
Know your district.  Talk to other parents.  If there is a parent support group that you can join, network a little in the community.  Try to understand what other parents and families have had to go through.  Find out about the quality of services offered.  When trying to choose a school district, get involved first and ask questions. 

Volunteer at school.  If you want to know what's going on at your child's school, volunteer.  This is different from observing; the district will frequently put on a show for you with another aide brought in or something else.  They can’t keep up the dog and pony show on a regular basis, so volunteering helps you see what the school is like on a typical basis.  Also, a district cannot have a policy for what parents can do for regular education vs special education students, so find out what schools require to volunteer.

Privacy v Confidentiality
Districts often don't know the difference between privacy and confidentiality.  Students at public schools are not entitled to privacy  There is a court case on this - you see pictures in the newspaper because of awards, there is the annual class photo, etc. However, students are entitled to confidentiality.  The IEP, his eligibility category, etc. is all confidential.  The fact that he is in a certain classroom is not private. 

Districts struggle with understanding privacy versus confidentiality.  There was a district that posted every special ed student in a classroom with the diagnosis – that is a violation.  You cannot take every child with a label and put them in a yearbook with identifying information about their disability or label in the yearbook.  This is a violation of FERPA.

Getting What Your Child Needs
You need to make a list of what you have to have.  What services, programs and placements are required to benefit your child.  Once you have this list down, you can start the negotiations.  Tell the district what you want and expect in services.  Don't negotiate in an IEP itself - I'll give up this to get that.  Figure out what your bottom line is and what you hope to achieve as part of the IEP and what you're willing to discuss and negotiate outside the IEP. 

If you anticipate filing a due process, you are required to have a resolution meeting.  Ensure that this is confidential.  Know that what you discuss in an IEP and what you discuss outside an IEP should be different.

Districts are watchful of what they are willing to offer outside the IEP process that they don't want in the IEP because it becomes the default and stay put if you decline to change an IEP in the future and they are required to provide it and pay for it in years to come.

“You do not need to take notes.” 
That is not the case.  The district's notes generally won't include when the parents has disagreed with something and instead shows just that the parents declined things.  Parents can send in an amendment to the record, or an parental addendum.  If you find something that is inaccurate or that you disagree with, then you need to put this into the record by writing a letter with the details why of something is not appropriate for your child. 

Ask for a separate page for the IEP notes or minutes that you can add to reflect what was discussed that day, e.g., if you are going to place privately.  To do a private placement, you can give notice 10 days before you place or you can do it in an IEP.  If you give it verbally, it may not be accurately reflected, so you put it in with your own notes.

For me, the big thing to remember is to ask more questions - the what does this look like and how will you do this types of things so that the IEP is measurable and, I hope, effective.  What else helps you during an IEP meeting?

Vanilla Orange Bars–Tasty Tuesday!

I had a movie party in my house last week.  It was part of a sponsored event, and so of course I had to provide food.  Because this is me.  And I cook and entertain all the time – and I love doing it.  Since I had purchased cereal as part of my food donation (you’ll have to read about what we did – I thought it was pretty cool and we’re going to do it again later this summer), I wanted to make a dessert with a cereal I had purchased to sort of tie the whole thing together.

Have I ever mentioned that I love recipe searches?  While I rarely am able to actually follow a recipe verbatim, it often gives me all sorts of great ideas – or drives me batty when I have a concept in my head and no one has ever done anything like it so I have to do it on the fly and hold my breath.  As I searched through recipes on the Post site, I found a few that looked good… but the vanilla orange bars were the ones that finally pulled me in.  Of course I had to alter the recipe… because that’s who I am, but oh did it turn out yummy!

Vanilla Orange Bars

Ingredients:
2 c Honey Bunches of Oats with Vanilla Clusters, divided
1/4 c butter
1/4 t nutmeg
1 package neufchatel (or use regular cream cheese, but the neufchatel is lower fat naturally so doesn’t taste plastic-y), at room temperature
1 c sugar
1/2 t vanilla (I used my new vanilla bean paste – SO yum)
2 eggs
2 T flour
1/4 t baking powder
1/2 t salt
1/4 c orange juice

Directions:
Preheat your oven to 350 degrees and grease an 8x8 glass baking dish.

In your food processor, grind 1 3/4 cups of the cereal until it is just crumbs, along with the nutmeg.  If you don’t have a food processor, put it in a bag and whack on it until it’s just crumbs – great for getting our your frustrations!  Melt the butter, and mix the two together until the cereal is completely coated with the melted butter; it will get there, although at first it looks as though there isn’t enough butter.  Pour the cereal mixture into the 8x8 pan and press it firmly together to make an even layer.  This will be your crust, so you want it packed in pretty well.

In a separate bowl, mix together the sugar and the soft neufchatel until creamy.  If you don’t have the cream cheese at least a little soft and do this step, you’ll end up with lumps later.  Add the eggs one at a time, beating thoroughly between the additions.  Add the orange juice and mix until blended.  Pour in the salt and baking powder and mix thoroughly before adding the flour.  Once it’s all incorporated, pour the mixture atop the crust you made (you still have 1/4 cup of the cereal in reserve – we didn’t forget about it).

Bake the “cheesecake” for 30-35 minutes, until the center is set – basically until it doesn’t jiggle like liquid anymore.  The edges of the dessert may be turning golden by this time, but that’s ok.  As soon as you take the bars from the oven, gently press the reserved 1/4 cup cereal into the top of the bars.  Let it come to room temperature, then refrigerate for 2-3 hours before cutting and serving.  Another reason this is a great party dessert?  It’s a must make ahead item!

Cut into small squares, as these are fairly rich, and serve.  Keep this in the fridge.  They are best in the first 1-2 days, as the cereal topping will get soft, but that’s only if you’re able to have them stick around that long!

Enjoy this and more with Blessed With Grace and Tempt My Tummy Tuesday. Also posting now with A Southern Fairytale and her Mouthwatering Monday.