Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I'm at a loss for words after the following conversations with one of my dear friends. And I am one of two people she will likely ever have this conversation with.

Me: Hey, sorry I didn't call you back right away. This weekend was busy, and I wanted to make sure I'd have time to chat for awhile (read: I forgot and meant to call but was busy whenever I thought of it which wasn't often enough)
Her: That's fine.
Me: So how're you doing? Still loving the new house?
Her: I've been better.
Me: That sounds familiar. Did you at least get the gaslines hooked up so you can dry clothes?
Her: (no real answer)
Me: So what's going on?
Her: I've been better.
Me: Anything you want to talk about?
Her: Maybe later. What does your week look like?
Me: Well, today's super busy with stuff except for my break now, tomorrow I'm working from home and ditto with Thursday. Hey, Friday I'll be in the city for a girls' night. Maybe I can catch up with you before we head to dinner. And I'm assuming we'll see you on Saturday, right? Why do you ask?
Her: Oh, I just wanted to see what you were up to.
Me: Are you ok?
Her: I've been better. I have some bad news.
Me: Ok.
loooooooooong silence
Her: choking and crying some (me thinking that her mom who's a breast cancer survivor got some bad news or something along those lines but staying silent to give her time)
Her: I'm pregnant. But it's not viable.
Me: OH! I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how devastated you are right now.

The conversation continued for a little while after that, and we were able to talk about it some. But suffice it to say my dear friend who is already convinced she's too old to be a mom just found out that they have to take her baby. You have no idea how much she and her husband want children. How desperately they have been trying since getting married. How wonderful they are with my own children. She will be able to try again, but ... I'm at a loss now.

How do you support a friend when they suffer such an intensely personal loss. My friends aren't even telling their parents. And yet I know how hurt they are, especially her. And yes, I feel like a heel for not having called her back on Friday night when she called me.


Karen September 9, 2008 at 4:36 PM  

I'm so sorry. It hurts so much to lose something you wanted so badly. Sometimes the best words are no words at all. Be there for her.

Veggie Mom September 9, 2008 at 5:17 PM  

Oh, this is such a sad, but poignant story! She's so lucky to have such a close friend to confide in!

Angela September 9, 2008 at 5:59 PM  

Oh no, this is truly heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your friend! I don't have any words of wisdom, but I'm sending her a big hug!!!

anymommy September 9, 2008 at 6:44 PM  

You called when you could, it's hard to know when someone else's life is falling apart. You can be there for her now, as much as you can. I don't know exactly how to help her, but if you keep asking, at least you'll be in her thoughts if she needs something.

Hugs to you, I'm sorry!

Angie's Spot September 9, 2008 at 8:11 PM  

Wow, this is so reminiscent of what happened to us when we finally got pregnant with our first, which had to be terminated at 10 weeks due to being ectopic. It was the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

As far as advice, I know that it would've meant a lot to me to just have a shoulder to cry on. There wasn't anything that people could say to make me feel better. Just knowing that someone cared to listen to my cries of pain was good enough.

I'll be sending lots of healing zen to your friend in this difficult time.

Cookie September 9, 2008 at 11:09 PM  

(((HUGS))) to you and your friend. This is never easy, but I hear chocolate always helps, even if just for a minute.

Liz September 10, 2008 at 6:33 AM  

I always say that I will pray for them. There is really nothing more than "being there" for a friend when they are going through something like this. Sometimes we can question God's purpose when things like this happen, but I truly believe that certain events need to happen for us to be able to realize God's plan, no matter how devastating.

Both of you will be in my prayers.

Crazy Momma September 10, 2008 at 8:50 AM  

Oh boy, this makes my heart hurt. I have been there. I lost a baby that my family was not aware of. I will be honest that telling them was so hard but SO worth it - I needed their support.

Be there for her, show her you love her - call her back :). I am sure that you will be exactly the friend that she needs.

In all your goings ons - thank you so much for taking a little time and checking out my blog!

Take care!

Krazy Armstrong K's! September 10, 2008 at 12:16 PM  

Huge hugs!

Rosie : ) September 10, 2008 at 1:10 PM  

What a tough experience for her and her husband!

Being there as her friend and listening to her talk about her thoughts and emotions might be the best help you can give. You will know what to do. :)

Gloria September 10, 2008 at 11:02 PM  

This same thing happened to me many years ago, except they didn't take the baby, they waited until I spontaneously went into labor. That was the way they handled it then. It was a very difficult time in my life; I worked like a crazy woman all day to avoid having to think. It was at night that I suffered the most. I'd want to get out of bed and run as hard and as fast as I could--I suppose a subconscious urge to run away from the trauma of it all.
Luckily, I had no problem getting pregnant afterward.

There is not much you can say to her to alleviate her pain, but she may need someone to talk to. It helped me when I could have a connection to my friends. My husband was great, but husbands are not especially good listeners, they are problem-solvers and he couldn't solve this problem. My Mom and friends were good listeners and blessed my life emotionally.

Prayers are with you and your friends who are going through such a rough place in their life.

Michelle September 18, 2008 at 7:27 PM  

Thank you all for your support. I really appreciate your kind words. But I do want to emphasize that this isn't about me. As sad as I am for her, it's for her. Nothing bad actually happened to me, thankfully.

Karen - We've been doing a lot of talking the last week and a half. And I think that's what she needs, regardless of the topic of our conversation.

Veggie Mom - I'm just glad that she will confide. She is a very private person who tends to hold things in, and that isn't always good.

Angela - Thank you for the hug! Vibes are key.

Anymommy - It's hard to know when things are falling apart, but as a friend I also have a responsbility to respond when called.

Angie - Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that Angie. I have no experience in that whatsoever, and I can't imagine the pain. And the zen will help, I'm sure. Thanks.

Cookie - Hmm, I may have to invest in some chocolate. Oh. You meant for her, didn't you?

Liz - Thank you for the prayers. I can't tell her that it was meant to be or anything so trite that minimizes what she's going through, but we both know there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Crazy Momma - Welcome! And I appreciate hearing your side of it, too.

Krazy Armstrong K's - Thank you. It is appreciated.

Rosie - Very tough, although he is basically not reacting, which I think is hard on her, too.

Gloria - Oh, that has to have been so much worse. I'm so sorry for your pain. What a nightmare. I'm so glad that you were able to get pregnant afterwards though. And thank you for the prayers.

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