It's All Coming To A Head

I've been on a leave from work for almost nine weeks now - since March 1. It doesn't seem like it's been nine weeks, but May 17, I am scheduled to report back to work.

This has been my big change to experience, in a safe way, how I would do staying at home with the wee ones - and how they'd do with me at home. I had tried this route before three years ago and failed miserably.

A lot of that failure had to do with the fact that I had gone from 500mph to zero, with a toddler and infant (who was very mobile) who couldn't be left alone long enough for me to go to the bathroom. We had just moved, and I didn't know anyone nor did I have any activities for myself or the wee ones.

This time around, I've been working part time three days a week - and two of those from home. I am involved in the wee ones' schools, in my church, in neighborhood organizations and more. I have a routine for myself and for the wee ones. Theoretically, staying at home should be easier.

My grand images of having tons of time to tackle my miles long to do list? Shattered.

That doesn't mean that I've gotten nothing done, however. I've been a regular at the gym. I've managed the preschool fundraiser that will be complete this coming Wednesday. I've started the process of remodeling our master bathroom. I've cooked a lot more (which I enjoy). Oddly, I'm home less than what I was when I was working, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing.

Staying home means giving up a huge portion of my family's income, as well as the good insurance from my job (he's a teacher - even working part time, I out earn him). I won't be able to get a position like what I have again, especially in this economy. I have a career that I'd essentially be throwing away, and for the most part, it's been on that I've really enjoyed.

But then I read a book by a working mom who talks about the balance she has in her life and keeping sane. She looks at her life with a great deal of humor, and it works for her. Some of the quotes really stuck with me, however.

Ravage of Time: The damage you inflict on those around you when you find yourself with too much to do and not enough time to get it all done. It's no accident that I rarely yell at my kids or snap at my husband unless I am late or overwhelmed by a to-do list that seems to have no end.

And it hit me. This is what I do. When I'm less stressed by deadlines and things I can't control, I'm more in control and calm. With my wee ones - especially Mister Man - being in control and calm is critical to having a productive day. And working - even part time (or maybe because it's part time?) - is stressful. I'm never fully home or fully working. Because I have a foot in both worlds, both worlds expect my all. And I can't give 110% to two different places. I'm lucky when I'm giving 80% to one!

I'm pretty sure now that I will be remaining a stay-at-home mom. It seems to be what's working better for my family. We're all happier these past two months, and happiness is what's most important, not who has the biggest bank account.

The trick for me now is to make sure in my head that I'm really sure this is the direction I want to take, since I won't be able to change my mind. And then I need to figure out how to tell my work that I won't be coming back. Do I tell them now? Do I offer to come in for one last day? What about all my work from home equipment? And at what point do I lose my health insurance and need to ensure I'm covered by my husband?

But most of all? I feel like a weight has been lifted. The confirmation that I'm seeking started coming through stronger and stronger the more of Kristin van Ogtrop's Just Let Me Lie Down I read. While being a 55 hour a week working mom with three boys is the path that she chose and the option that (no pun intended) works best for her, I shied away mentally from many of her anecdotes. That life was so unappealing to me now.

So let's see how I'm doing in another six months!

This post was inspired by the book Kristin van Ogtrop's "Just Let Me Lie Down" which I received from the SV Moms Group Book Club. There was no compensation nor review involved.

Where Does The Time Go?

Today is effectively the last day of my time off work. For those of you who didn't know, I've spent the last two and a half weeks off work. I've been -- shall we say -- a bit burned out at work lately. After bringing this up to my boss's boss, he suggested I take off three weeks in November. Ya know, since I have that much vacation time that I haven't taken. And I still have the time remaining to take off the last two weeks in December.

For me, this was a trial run to see how I do without a job. I'm seriously considering going the SAHM route, for a nubmer of reasons (Little Miss leaving me out of family pictures, the working through dinners while working at home, the challenge of finding the time to do everything I'm committed to doing, the absolute dread I feel every time I have to have anything to do with my boss).

I tried staying at home previously when the wee ones were truly wee. When Mister Man was two and a half and Little Miss eight months, I stayed home for six months. Going hundreds of miles an hour at work to zero with two mobile (she was walking shortly thereafter) children while living in a new area didn't work out for me so well. Now, it's a different story.

I can happily say that I was not in the least bored while off work. Interestingly, I've been more busy than normal. I'm way behind on my DVR. I'm so far behind on blog reading (sorry!) that I'll never catch up. I did fun homemade dinners more often, but not nearly as often as I thought I would. While I caught up on a lot of stuff at home, I'm still trying to figure out how I didn't get more done.

Things I did get done:
Made of list of everything I had to do while I was off
Wrote Mister Man's thank you notes for his birthday (that happened October 17)
Made it to the gym regularly
Had breakfast and lunch with friends I hadn't caught up with enough
Got a mani/pedi
Sorted my closet
Put together the annual gift card fundraiser for Little Miss's preschool
Put out the preschool newsletter
Got caught up on laundry
Played games with the wee ones
Took Little Miss to her gymnastics class
Got the old blinds over to my friend's house who will hang them someday (maybe this weekend, she says!)
Took the wee ones to open gym
Went to dinner with the wee ones at a friend's house
Read
Caught up completely on the Labels for Education sorting, cutting and gluing

Things I didn't get done:
Make that dentist appointment
Get to the dentist
File the growing pile of papers in the office
Get my flu shot
Volunteer in Mister Man's classroom
Get caught up on blogs
Put up the reviews awaiting my review blog (next week!)
Make an inventory of the freezer and do meal planning based on this
Take the wee ones' outgrown clothes to the shelter
Straighten up the office
Call for a charity to come take away the old entertainment center
Get Mister Man's swimming lessons moved to a new time

I'm still trying to figure out how I'm busier with more free time than I was when I was working 30 plus hours a week. However, the realization that I have three weeks before I'm off again was really depressing, as me who can't count thought it was only two.

I loved having time with the wee ones. Hearing about their days in school and being able to take my time hearing all the stories instead of having two minutes between conference calls was great. Being able to see Little Miss run around the gym was heartwarming. Having the time to do vision therapy exercises with Mister Man instead of nagging my husband and mother to try to do them was gratifying. I liked being home.

While I felt guilty the first week about a couple things that I wanted to do for work, I successfully resisted the urge to ever check my email or to even charge my Blackberry. I separated, and I didn't miss it.

And there are so many things that I want to do yet if I had more time. With more time, I could really improve the wee ones' largest fundraiser of the year coming in May. I've wanted to volunteer at a hippotherapy center near me for years, but I can't justify it while working. I'm running further now, but once I go back to work, I have only one or possibly two (including the weekend) days that I can get to the gym, which means my progress will stagnate or worse. And the playdates that the wee ones love to have and so rarely get when I'm working? Just the joy that Mister Man showed on his face when I took him and a friend to go see a play on Monday was priceless.

But I'm wondering if the office will still remain with its growing pile of papers. I think my magazine pile might continue to expand. Somehow, the days just disappear. What's the saying though? Time flies when you're having fun. And me? I've been having fun.

The Grass Is Always Greener...

Something's been bugging me all week long (raise your hand if you're shocked to hear me say that). When I got back from Seattle on Monday this week, the first thing I did was head upstairs to my sleeping children and try to wake them up so that I could say goodnight to them.

This may not sound that unusual or odd to anyone, but I am a very firm believer in the need of sleep in children. I know how much sleep my children benefit from, and I also know that having spent the previous four days with my parents, they weren't getting anywhere near that level of sleep.

So why did I (unsuccessfully, mind you) try to wake sleeping children? I feel like I'm missing out on them. I see them growing up quickly, and I don't get a chance to spend the time with them -- particularly not one on one -- that I realize more and more I want to because they're such fun and neat little personalities.

My mom told me that on Monday, Little Miss asked her when my mom picked her up from daycare if Mommy would be on a conference call when they arrived home. That's my only daughter's view of me. When she comes home from daycare, Mommy will still be working and unable to ask about her day or play with her or even just pay attention to her.

Work has been really busy for awhile now for me. I work twenty-four hours, and my agreement is that I stay at twenty-four hours, even if some weeks I work more than that. In return, other weeks I work less. I quickly built my way up past thirty hours "extra" that I had in the bank. I've been trying hard to reduce that backup and get back to even, but five months later, I'll end this pay cycle up around eighteen hours.

Granted, I'm really lucky that I work only three days a week and that I do have two days during the week that I can spend with the wee ones. It's amazing how fast that time disappears though.

Little Miss goes to preschool five mornings a week (not my choice - the special needs preschool is five days a week or nothing and she benefits from being there), she comes home, eats lunch, naps, wakes up to eat dinner, and our bedtime routine starts. There isn't a lot of quality time with her on the days that I have home with her.

Mister Man's days with me aren't much better. He's home in the morning and doesn't head to preschool until after lunch. We had a playdate this past Tuesday, and I realized how infrequently we have the opportunity to do this and how much he loves playing and sharing with his friends -- and how much the playdates benefit him and his social development.

The first Tuesday of every month I have the PTO meeting which essentially takes up the entire morning. I have only twenty minutes after Little Miss gets on the bus to hang out with him before we need to head to the preschool. Tuesday and Friday mornings are my only chances to run during the week, so we talk in the car on the way to and from the club, but that's it. Granted he loves going to the Kids Area and making new friends there, but I don't spend the time with him. If someone needs a doctor's appointment, guess when I'll plan it? Or if I need to run to the post office? Or maybe if my car needs an oil change? How about grocery shopping? Yep, it's all during the time that I should be spending playing with him or working with him on something or setting up playdates for him.

Then I run into the issues where the school plans events on days I'm working. Since they rarely try to plan anything for a Friday knowing how busy Fridays are, there's a seventy-five percent chance that whatever event they plan, I'm going to have to miss it for work. Forget the Halloween parade at school. Forget the Thanksgiving craft with my child. Forget the RIF events. Forget Valentine's tea. I'm the mom who isn't there. Unfortunately, with the frequency they come up, I can't take the time from work.

And don't get me started about my actual job. It's better and safer for everyone if we leave that topic completely alone.

But how can I even think about quitting in this economy? Could we make it work as a one income household? Yes, we could. It would involve cutting back on various things, but we could make do. I'm a nicely frugal person. But everything is so uncertain. Who knows where inflation will be going. Who knows when our roof will need replacing followed immediately by our furnace then our hot water heater then my husband's car and then medical issues? Were any of those worst case scenarios to arise, making do would no longer be in my vocabulary.

I work part time. I have a job that challenges me intellectually and gives me great responsibility. They pay me decently. How can you walk away from a situation like that?

Then I peek into Mister Man's room to see him sound asleep with a cat curled up on either side of him. Roar lifts his head at the noise, sees it's me and goes back to sleep. I quietly edge open Little Miss's door and see her surrounded by stuffed animals. These quiet, stolen moments are sometimes all I get from the wee ones.

How much longer will Little Miss say that I'm her favorite? How soon before Mister Man again pushes me away? And how soon before I don't recognize the teenagers before me, grown up in an instant while I was distracted elsewhere.

It's really been bothering me this week. Ironically, tomorrow I have an article or post or whatever you want to call it up on BettyConfidential talking about how I got to my part-time life. Go check it out tomorrow, and then whack me upside the head for forgetting that life's never perfect.

Angst

Mister Man started preschool on Tuesday. He's doing well, and except for the mishap where he almost got onto a bus that would have taken him to the elementary school instead of his school, it's all gone well. I still can't believe he's only got five kids in his class this year -- I know it will grow as the year goes on and more kids qualify for and enter the preschool, but still five kids is tiny!

Little Miss was also supposed to start preschool on Tuesday. In fact, we've been using the "They won't let you go to St Marks if you aren't potty trained" refrain for several months now. But she didn't go. Why not you might ask?

Well, Mister Man's preschool is our local early learning center for special needs and at risk kids ages 3-5. Mister Man qualified when he turned three and graduated from Early Intervention but still needed services. His social development was far behind (fortunately much due to his speech delay that is now resolved), and his fine and gross motor were also delayed.

Little Miss has also spent time in Early Intervention. When she was six months old, she wasn't babbling at all. And by not babbling at all, I mean she didn't make a sound, including when she "laughed" - all she'd do was open her mouth wide with a smile and shake. She entered speech therapy shortly thereafter.

A little over a year into her speech therapy, they wanted her evaluated for occupational therapy, as well. She fell constantly and didn't use her hands to catch herself. Plus, she showed no reaction to pain. She had a really hard time moving from one surface to another, like from the sidewalk to grass. She qualified for occupational therapy well before her second birthday. But there were no therapists in Early Intervention available, so we were put on a waitlist.

Last August 31, Little Miss graduated from her speech therapy and now has quite the vocabulary. We were lucky. Her delay was due to constant ear infections (see the comment on pain -- we had no idea) that essentially had deadened her hearing. She's had tubes in for almost two years now, and the hearing is fine -- a huge relief. The speech therapy allowed her to catch up, and she shouldn't need any going forward.

When she graduated from Early Intervention, we still were on the waitlist for a therapist and we gave up in October. It seemed silly to keep paying for a service we weren't receiving. But she still falls all the time and ends up with huge welts and bruises and scrapes whose source are unknown. We constantly get incident reports from daycare and preschool from injuries she's incurred - at least once every other week, if not more often.

So we wanted to have her screened at the early learning center. The screening isn't scheduled until the Friday before school starts. So I found out last Friday that they want her at the school. I knew previously that she would have qualified as you now only need one qualifying criteria to attend (a change in Illinois this year, as it had been at least two until now). Qualifying criteria include everything from a second language spoken in the home to having been in Early Intervention at some point to having a sibling attend the school to income levels and more.

However, the recommendation is to have your child in the least restrictive environment possible, and I was hoping that this would mean the private preschool we'd signed Little Miss up for. They were concerned about her balance and stability, however, and strongly recommended that she attend his school. They picked up on something I hadn't noticed which is that when she stands to play with something, she sticks her feet out like a ballerina which is indicative of a balance problem.

I got the recommendation at 1:26 last Friday and immediately called the private preschool to let them know the verdict. They were closed last Thursday and Friday, so I left a message explaining and asking the director to call me. I just realized that I've yet to hear back from her. Now I'm irritated by that. Hmm.

Because the screening didn't happen until last Friday, the newly eligible students aren't to start until this coming Monday. I made sure to get all our paperwork in by this afternoon, including the bus forms on Wednesday.

By this afternoon, I still hadn't heard about when the bus was going to come to pick her up or who her teacher would be. When I called the school, the admin told me that the principal had yet to make up the class lists and may not get to it today. And that students may not start until Tuesday or Wednesday.

Oh no no no no no.

Monday is my in the office day. I leave the house at 6:15. My mom comes over, and the plan was for her to put Little Miss on the bus at 8:30 or so and to get Mister Man to his "kindergarten" program by 9am. Since it was her first time, I was going to stay to get Little Miss on the bus and take the requisite pictures but then head to work. And my mom had bridge at 10am. And our daycare doesn't exactly smile upon random added hours, nor should they.

I called again a little before five to get an update and spoke to the principal who explained that she'd spent much of the week putting out fires but totally understood my issue and was going to go work on the class lists right then and would call me back later. But no bus. Maybe no bus until Thursday.

I called my mom and she graciously agreed to take Little Miss to preschool on Monday -- which means that I miss out on seeing her off on her first day! -- and ensuring that my dad would take Mister Man to his program. That whole thing about trying to be in two places twenty minutes away at 9am just wasn't going to happen, and I can't go into the office that late. Or shouldn't anyway.

The good news is that she does have a class now. She has a teacher, and it's a teacher that I'm totally cool with. And there are currently only ten children in her class with a teacher and two aides. I know that will grow as the year goes on, but I don't think it will ever get above 17.

The bad news is that I'm missing her first day now! I'm debating faking the photos and pretending like her first day on the bus is her first day. Or making my mom take the photos and praying that she learns how to use the zoom feature.

The other option that I've seriously been considering for awhile is quitting my job. What I do is generally interesting, but I have a schizophrenic boss now. He's a huge micromanager which just doesn't work for me in general. And he piles on random assignments that he then forgets about two days later. He is never on time for meetings and frequently blows off meetings with me with no warning. But yet I'm an incredibly valued employee who they treasure.

I hate missing the moments of their lives. And I have so much going on outside work that I'd love to focus on more. I've yet to put together an agenda for the PTO meeting on Tuesday. I need to confirm that the newsletter goes out on Monday or find someone who can go to school and copy and distribute the announcements that the PTO meeting is occurring on Tuesday. I'd really like to get back to running. I'd like to do more on a day to day basis for and with the wee ones.

I knew I was getting burned out in mid to late June. My new boss started in early May. I had my week plus off at the end of August and thought that would be enough to recharge my batteries. I purposely didn't dial into any meetings while away and only checked email a few times. I came back and even that first morning soooooo didn't want to go to work. This is the first time that a vacation hasn't done it for me.

But I work three days a week, two of them from home. And I make more doing that than my husband does working full time. How can I justify giving that up? The situation I have isn't something that you can easily replicate elsewhere. And being completely meanspirited, I work in finance and that sector isn't doing so well. It's possible that my division would be shut down at some point in the next couple of years. The severance would be really nice.

For now, though, my alarm will be set for 5:40 on Monday. I'll leave my mom detailed instructions of what pictures to take of Little Miss. I'll call to make sure the handoff went well. And while I'm at work, I'll have plenty of moments wishing I weren't there, regretting that I'm not with my wee ones, and wondering if I'm doing the right thing.

Really, This Is Just A Big Whine Of A Post....

Sometimes, I wonder why I work. I will admit that I’ve got a great gig. I work three days a week, and two of those are from home. The work I do is challenging, and I get a decent paycheck for it. Plus, my agreement with my boss is that three days a week (salaried) means 24 hours. If I work more than 24 hours one week, another week I’ll work less than 24 hours.

For the most part it works out well. Then we have weeks like this. My job is essentially that of an internal consultant. I get drafted for projects that have no resources available and then shepherd them through whatever process it is. Generally, it’s pretty fun. Last week, I was told that I had an opportunity to change my role slightly in that I’d be working specifically to pore over deals that we’ve made to figure out how to return them to profitability. And Monday, I got “asked” to be a project manager for a behind schedule, cross functional, high visibility project. In other words, all guts, no glory.

Yesterday was my day in the office. I left the house at 7:45, and I left work at 6:45 to make it to my babysitting co-op meeting (as I complained about yesterday!). Today was a home day. The nice thing is that I get to wake up my kids, eat breakfast with them, get Mister Man on the bus, and take Little Miss to preschool. Then I go home and start working. Again, the flexibility my work allows me is great.

I have one task that has to be completed today, or I become a hypocrite. The first task of a project manager is to put together a project plan (since said project has been going on since February, you might assume there was one already, but you’d be sorely mistaken!). Before I was “asked” to do this, the overall project plan was promised to be delivered for review of the team by tomorrow. I don’t work on Fridays.

With the lack of data, people freaking out over me wanting to know what their plans were, etc., you can imagine how fun my day was. Today, I put in 11 ¾ hours. Sadly, I just logged off at 9:27. Again, the benefits of being at home, I was able to run out to hug my kids after my mom had picked up Little Miss from preschool and Mister Man had gotten off the bus before they left to go to my parents’ house. And I didn’t starve (not likely to happen anyway!) since I’m working at home and could grab dinner and eat it while still working. When the wee ones walked in the door, I was able to give them a hug and kiss good night as Daddy did everything else.

And now I have meetings tomorrow for an hour and a half. And every other Tuesday for an hour. And I know it will only continue with this project.

So now I’m asking myself why I’m doing this. I used to work full time when I had both kids. I was in client management and owned an account on the west coast. Between travel and working late, I literally did not see the wee ones during the week. I quit to stay at home (and you can all see how well that worked out!) when Mister Man was 2 and would scream “Noooo!” and hide if I tried to give him a hug. Subtle hint, really.

I haven’t truly spent time with my kids for more than an hour or two in almost two weeks now. That just isn’t right.

And I do enjoy the challenge of work, but this will be a thankless project and a lot of stress. At the same time, I know that I am a better and more patient mom when my brain is challenged like it is now and I do have regular adult interaction. While we can definitely afford me staying home, my working allows us to do the fun things in life that we want to do without worrying or living paycheck to paycheck, which is one of my greatest fears.

But I’m overscheduled. And I need to find a fix, for myself and my family. But for now… I’m going to bed! What a bummer of a post, no?