A Little Friendly Advice

Dear Little Miss,
Drink your rice milk. Seriously, just drink it. It's one of the few calcium sources you can have, and this isn't negotiable with Mommy and Daddy. We know you like it, and it's important for your long term health. It isn't worth making Daddy mad. Or not getting to play because you're still sitting at the table. Please just drink it.
Love you,
Mommy

***

Dear Me,
Sometimes you're really stupid, you know that? Like this morning when you hyperextended your thumb putting on your jeans? I'm not really sure how people do that, but it's a pretty special talent. Just do me a favor and learn to do math. Do you realize that for the past few months you've been telling people who ask that you're a year older than you actually are? Who does that? Only people under age twenty try to add a year.
kthxbai,
Me

***

Dear Mister Man,
You're almost six. You need to learn to keep your hands to yourself. The teacher telling me that she had to talk to you about not pulling on someone's shirt is not a good way to start off the school year. I know you know what is and isn't ok. I know it's really hard when other kids are telling you to do something, but you're a smart kid and you need to learn to be strong, too. Someday, you'll thank me. And you'll be a happier person for it.
Love you,
Mommy

PS I am really proud of how well you're doing during class and how hard you're trying with everything you're being taught.

***

Dear Husband,
When we buy ice cream - which isn't that often - make sure you give me at least a taste before you eat the entire carton. You may think it's funny like a bad sitcom that you offer to get me a bowl of ice cream and I ask for just a smidge of the kind you've managed to eat all of, but it's really not. All you need to do is offer. I may decline, but do me the favor of at least offering.
Love you,
Michelle

***

Dear People-Who-Park-In-A-Handicapped-Spot-Because-They're-Only-Going-To-Be-There-For-A-Few-Minutes-And-It's-The-Closest-Parking-Spot,
I know you're in a hurry to pick up your kids. I know you won't be long. But it's illegal. And at the special needs preschool, I know this will come as a shock, we actually have students who need their parents to park there and have the appropriate permits. And can't because you're hogging them. And it's really not the message I think you want to be imparting to your own kids. Plus, it's kind of hard to always remember to shush the wee ones in time to prevent them from shouting to the world about how rude the illegal parkers are.
kthxbai,
Michelle

***

Dear Boss,
It is just plain rude to regularly blow off scheduled meetings with your direct reports with little or no notice. And to not reschedule them. And to fail to deliver a midyear review in the required timeframe. This will come back to bite you. Soon.
kthxbai,
Michelle

***

Dear Private School,
Ugh. I just finished writing down all the days that Mister Man is off school this year. And the ones that Little Miss -- and the rest of our district -- are off. Do you realize how many days I have one child home with me and only one? This is going to make things really interesting when it comes to finding childcare. I'm almost afraid to look to see when spring break is. What's the likelihood that you could look into following the school district's calendar next year? I'm fine with you starting the school year a little early and ending a little late, but the non-school days during the year are really causing me some headaches. And I'm sure I'm not alone.
kthxbai,
Michelle

***

Dear IDOT,
Have you lost your minds? I mean, really. Have you FREAKING lost your minds? In what part of your miniscule pea brain did it make sense to do major road repaving on the four major arteries in my area? And to start it the week that school started? I literally cannot turn out of my neighborhood in the morning to get Mister Man to school -- on a non-construction road, mind you -- because the two lane road is so backed with that many people who gave up on the completely torn up in the middle of rush hour four lane roads. It isn't like these roads were in that bad of shape to begin with. I know there is stimulous money to be had, but is it possible to spend it intelligently? Or to plan it using half a second's forethought?
kthxbai,
Michelle

So what advice do you have to give?