The Grass Is Always Greener...

Something's been bugging me all week long (raise your hand if you're shocked to hear me say that). When I got back from Seattle on Monday this week, the first thing I did was head upstairs to my sleeping children and try to wake them up so that I could say goodnight to them.

This may not sound that unusual or odd to anyone, but I am a very firm believer in the need of sleep in children. I know how much sleep my children benefit from, and I also know that having spent the previous four days with my parents, they weren't getting anywhere near that level of sleep.

So why did I (unsuccessfully, mind you) try to wake sleeping children? I feel like I'm missing out on them. I see them growing up quickly, and I don't get a chance to spend the time with them -- particularly not one on one -- that I realize more and more I want to because they're such fun and neat little personalities.

My mom told me that on Monday, Little Miss asked her when my mom picked her up from daycare if Mommy would be on a conference call when they arrived home. That's my only daughter's view of me. When she comes home from daycare, Mommy will still be working and unable to ask about her day or play with her or even just pay attention to her.

Work has been really busy for awhile now for me. I work twenty-four hours, and my agreement is that I stay at twenty-four hours, even if some weeks I work more than that. In return, other weeks I work less. I quickly built my way up past thirty hours "extra" that I had in the bank. I've been trying hard to reduce that backup and get back to even, but five months later, I'll end this pay cycle up around eighteen hours.

Granted, I'm really lucky that I work only three days a week and that I do have two days during the week that I can spend with the wee ones. It's amazing how fast that time disappears though.

Little Miss goes to preschool five mornings a week (not my choice - the special needs preschool is five days a week or nothing and she benefits from being there), she comes home, eats lunch, naps, wakes up to eat dinner, and our bedtime routine starts. There isn't a lot of quality time with her on the days that I have home with her.

Mister Man's days with me aren't much better. He's home in the morning and doesn't head to preschool until after lunch. We had a playdate this past Tuesday, and I realized how infrequently we have the opportunity to do this and how much he loves playing and sharing with his friends -- and how much the playdates benefit him and his social development.

The first Tuesday of every month I have the PTO meeting which essentially takes up the entire morning. I have only twenty minutes after Little Miss gets on the bus to hang out with him before we need to head to the preschool. Tuesday and Friday mornings are my only chances to run during the week, so we talk in the car on the way to and from the club, but that's it. Granted he loves going to the Kids Area and making new friends there, but I don't spend the time with him. If someone needs a doctor's appointment, guess when I'll plan it? Or if I need to run to the post office? Or maybe if my car needs an oil change? How about grocery shopping? Yep, it's all during the time that I should be spending playing with him or working with him on something or setting up playdates for him.

Then I run into the issues where the school plans events on days I'm working. Since they rarely try to plan anything for a Friday knowing how busy Fridays are, there's a seventy-five percent chance that whatever event they plan, I'm going to have to miss it for work. Forget the Halloween parade at school. Forget the Thanksgiving craft with my child. Forget the RIF events. Forget Valentine's tea. I'm the mom who isn't there. Unfortunately, with the frequency they come up, I can't take the time from work.

And don't get me started about my actual job. It's better and safer for everyone if we leave that topic completely alone.

But how can I even think about quitting in this economy? Could we make it work as a one income household? Yes, we could. It would involve cutting back on various things, but we could make do. I'm a nicely frugal person. But everything is so uncertain. Who knows where inflation will be going. Who knows when our roof will need replacing followed immediately by our furnace then our hot water heater then my husband's car and then medical issues? Were any of those worst case scenarios to arise, making do would no longer be in my vocabulary.

I work part time. I have a job that challenges me intellectually and gives me great responsibility. They pay me decently. How can you walk away from a situation like that?

Then I peek into Mister Man's room to see him sound asleep with a cat curled up on either side of him. Roar lifts his head at the noise, sees it's me and goes back to sleep. I quietly edge open Little Miss's door and see her surrounded by stuffed animals. These quiet, stolen moments are sometimes all I get from the wee ones.

How much longer will Little Miss say that I'm her favorite? How soon before Mister Man again pushes me away? And how soon before I don't recognize the teenagers before me, grown up in an instant while I was distracted elsewhere.

It's really been bothering me this week. Ironically, tomorrow I have an article or post or whatever you want to call it up on BettyConfidential talking about how I got to my part-time life. Go check it out tomorrow, and then whack me upside the head for forgetting that life's never perfect.

Three Wishes

Apparently my children in Florida are finally starting to miss me, as today they deigned to talk to me for the first time since they left.

Little Miss told me about her potty habits, as she’s getting quite proud of herself. My mom is being brave, really, much braver than I’d be. Packing for the wee ones at the last minute became a bit hectic, and while they took Lil Swimmers and diapers (that I had gone to Costco to buy the night before since we were about out, oops!), my mom decided against taking any Pull-ups. Apparently the whole potty thing is really sinking in though. My mom is using Lil Swimmers as Pull-ups for her all day and not just when they’re at the pool.

Given what I know of Lil Swimmers and their … design, this would not be my choice of a Pull-up. My first summer as a mom, I took Mister Man to the local spray park and didn’t change him out of his Lil Swimmer before we left, since it was dry at the time. For anyone who doesn’t know, Lil Swimmers are designed to hold in only one bodily function. Because they’re designed to get wet and not expand like a puffer fish gone made at the first sign of water, they hold no water in, if you catch my drift.

However, she appears to be doing well with my mom’s little experiment, so we may not even need to break open the brand new box of Pull-ups I bought last Wednesday. Little Miss may be ready for underwear by the time she gets home. Apparently the almanac my husband found as a joke that had the best potty training times for April between the 24th and 30th was actually right.

Then I got to talk to Mister Man.

Mister Man: I made three wishes at the wishing well. Grandma gave me three whole coins to drop in, and I did and I made three wishes.
Me: That’s great. What did you wish for?
Mister Man: My first wish, I wished for more ice cream from the ice cream store. The ice cream here is really good, Mom. I’m going to bring you some home as a present.
Me: I’m sure Grandma and Grandpa will take you to get more ice cream before you come home. And that’s really sweet to offer to bring me some, but you don’t need to bring me any. I think it might melt.
Mister Man: Ok, I’ll eat your ice cream then and just tell you about it.
Me: Sounds good. What was your second wish?
Mister Man: I wished for another baby sister.
Me: (choking) Really? Do you like having Little Miss as a sister that much?
Mister Man: Yep. I want another one now, too.
Me: (wondering where on earth he got this idea and freaking out because his cousin at age four accurately predicted his sex from the first ultrasound and ditto with Little Miss’ sex at her first ultrasound and maybe kids have this sixth sense but I am really really good with just two children!) I don’t think that’s going to happen, Sweetie. What’s wish number three?
Mister Man: I wished we could go on another bike ride, but not a bike ride at home. I want to go on a bike ride here in Florida. They have bicycles here with four seats, can you believe that? And there are lots of speed bumps and stop signs, too, can you believe that?
Me: I can believe it. Those bikes sound like fun.
Mister Man: The speed bumps are my favorite thing in the whole world.
Me: Really? Even more favorite than Thomas (the Tank Engine, for the uninitiated)?
Mister Man: The speed bumps aren’t Grandma’s favorite though. She says they’re so bumpy they make her teeth fall out. Her teeth don’t really fall out though; she’s just very silly.
Me: Yes, she is silly sometimes, isn’t she?
Mister Man: Uh-huh. BYE!

And that conversation ends.

So apparently he thinks he wants another sister. My mom did clarify for me. She asked if he wanted to trade Little Miss in for a different sister (which I could see him wanting to do sometimes). Nope, he wants another one. He likes the ones he has and is ready for a second sister. I'm not.

My only guess is that two of his friends in preschool have somewhat young siblings, one who was born a couple months ago and one who is about 8 months. Plus, Little Miss’ best friend at preschool has a one year old sister, too.

I have to wonder though if he knows that we have four bedrooms upstairs and that a new baby would mean sharing rooms. And since he’s the boy, if it were a sister, the baby would share with Little Miss and not with him. Sometimes, he’s smart like that.

It would figure though. I just sold my crib a month or so ago. All the baby clothes have now been given to a battered women’s shelter. Little Miss has a full size bed in her room and no room for a second bed or furniture. Oh yeah, and I got the warning from a friend that everyone he knows is pregnant with third children, including those who weren’t expecting them. Hmmm.

Can everyone send me some good mojo to keep things at the status quo? I think I need some help, as things are not stacking in my favor right now.

Really, This Is Just A Big Whine Of A Post....

Sometimes, I wonder why I work. I will admit that I’ve got a great gig. I work three days a week, and two of those are from home. The work I do is challenging, and I get a decent paycheck for it. Plus, my agreement with my boss is that three days a week (salaried) means 24 hours. If I work more than 24 hours one week, another week I’ll work less than 24 hours.

For the most part it works out well. Then we have weeks like this. My job is essentially that of an internal consultant. I get drafted for projects that have no resources available and then shepherd them through whatever process it is. Generally, it’s pretty fun. Last week, I was told that I had an opportunity to change my role slightly in that I’d be working specifically to pore over deals that we’ve made to figure out how to return them to profitability. And Monday, I got “asked” to be a project manager for a behind schedule, cross functional, high visibility project. In other words, all guts, no glory.

Yesterday was my day in the office. I left the house at 7:45, and I left work at 6:45 to make it to my babysitting co-op meeting (as I complained about yesterday!). Today was a home day. The nice thing is that I get to wake up my kids, eat breakfast with them, get Mister Man on the bus, and take Little Miss to preschool. Then I go home and start working. Again, the flexibility my work allows me is great.

I have one task that has to be completed today, or I become a hypocrite. The first task of a project manager is to put together a project plan (since said project has been going on since February, you might assume there was one already, but you’d be sorely mistaken!). Before I was “asked” to do this, the overall project plan was promised to be delivered for review of the team by tomorrow. I don’t work on Fridays.

With the lack of data, people freaking out over me wanting to know what their plans were, etc., you can imagine how fun my day was. Today, I put in 11 ¾ hours. Sadly, I just logged off at 9:27. Again, the benefits of being at home, I was able to run out to hug my kids after my mom had picked up Little Miss from preschool and Mister Man had gotten off the bus before they left to go to my parents’ house. And I didn’t starve (not likely to happen anyway!) since I’m working at home and could grab dinner and eat it while still working. When the wee ones walked in the door, I was able to give them a hug and kiss good night as Daddy did everything else.

And now I have meetings tomorrow for an hour and a half. And every other Tuesday for an hour. And I know it will only continue with this project.

So now I’m asking myself why I’m doing this. I used to work full time when I had both kids. I was in client management and owned an account on the west coast. Between travel and working late, I literally did not see the wee ones during the week. I quit to stay at home (and you can all see how well that worked out!) when Mister Man was 2 and would scream “Noooo!” and hide if I tried to give him a hug. Subtle hint, really.

I haven’t truly spent time with my kids for more than an hour or two in almost two weeks now. That just isn’t right.

And I do enjoy the challenge of work, but this will be a thankless project and a lot of stress. At the same time, I know that I am a better and more patient mom when my brain is challenged like it is now and I do have regular adult interaction. While we can definitely afford me staying home, my working allows us to do the fun things in life that we want to do without worrying or living paycheck to paycheck, which is one of my greatest fears.

But I’m overscheduled. And I need to find a fix, for myself and my family. But for now… I’m going to bed! What a bummer of a post, no?