Whose Child Is This Anyway?

I received a call from Mister Man's teacher this afternoon before they got off the bus. "I'm not sure how to tell you this," his teacher began, "but Mister Man bit someone at recess today."

What?

My child isn't a biter. And he turns 9 tomorrow.  How does this happen?  As the story came from her - who wasn't there but heard about it after he was brought inside - he was trying to climb up a slide and a friend of his was trying to go down the slide and Mister Man somehow bit his friend in the shoulder.  He didn't break the skin, thank goodness, but it will leave a mark for awhile.  And it's totally not ok under any circumstances.  Mister Man had to miss the remainder of recess today and will stay inside with the teacher for the rest of the week, a fair punishment for a third grader, I think.

When Mister Man got home, I asked for his side of the story.  He explained that he and other boys were going up the slide, and some of his friends were at the top of the slide.  Another friend pushed the friend he bit, who came tumbling down the slide, and Mister Man was shocked by the boy tumbling into him.  And in his surprise, apparently his instinct was to bite the other child.  That's where I start blinking in confusion.

When my husband arrived home and heard about it, we immediately looked at each other.  "Was it you?"  "Were you a biter?"  The questions over whose family this trait originated began.  It obviously wasn't something that was taught, so it must be innate, and we immediately start looking to see if a trait came from my side or from his side, not tallying, not keeping score, but just knowing.

It's human nature in some what to want to understand where you originated, what  you pass to your children, what little things will remain forever memorialized.  But it isn't and can't be the focus.

Instead, I sat Mister Man down and had him write a very nice apology letter that he will give to his friend, explaining most importantly that he didn't mean to hurt his friend.  And, of course, asking to have a playdate soon so that he can show how good of a friend he can be.

And I'll be crossing my fingers not to get another call like this one for a long time.  I don't want to be responsible for any more entertaining Facebook posts on her wall.

In the interest of full disclosure, this post was written as part of the From Left to Write book club where we write posts inspired by the books we read rather than traditional book reviews.  This month's book was "The Black Count" by Tom Reiss.  I receive a copy of the book for review purposes, but there was no compensation as part of this campaign.  All opinions remain my own.

Little Miss Is Ummmm Growing Up?

We all know that our babies won't stay babies forever, much as we sometimes wish they would. Even our toddlers magically turn into big kids one day when we blink and those adorable little traits have been replaced by just as adorable but oh so different big kid stuff.

As they grow, we start to fear new things. It isn't about choking on grapes anymore or falling down the stairs - in general! - but now we worry about bullying at school, about sports and all sorts of peer pressure. In our heads, we have an idea of when some of these issues "should" rear their ugly heads. Granted, some take us by surprise, but for the most part we are at least aware of many of them.

Then there are those that jump up years before we think we have to worry about them. And those are the ones that probably freak us out the most. Read more about my new worry on The Chicago Moms here.

Win a travel game from Hasbro here
Win a Young Author prize pack here!

But I Didn't *MEAN* To

With Mister Man, it's always an adventure at the end of the school day. We hope and pray that he's had a green day (no trouble - or only a single warning) and not a yellow or red day where he's had more difficulty following the rules and doing what he's supposed to do.

Unfortunately the autism diagnosis only makes his impulsivity and other behavioral problems more understandable. We've yet to find the solution to actually stop them. The good news is that the sticker chart has helped provide incentives to him to follow the rules, and we've started to see patterns (specials like music and gym are more of a challenge).

We still have many days where he comes home having been put at a separate table for group work in Language Arts because he was drawing on someone else's paper or running in the halls or laying on his chair instead of sitting.

When we have those days, we always talk about them - trying to create the social stories that will help him understand how to better handle the situation in the future. Some of them work, and sometimes the behavior repeats itself.

Yesterday, Mister Man came home with a yellow day. He was having difficulty listening in one class, and then he put his hands on a classmate's neck. Obviously, the hands around someone's neck is alarming. Behavior like that - especially for someone who doesn't always know where the line is and when to stop a game (another function of his autism).

I showed him the sheet of paper and asked him to tell me about the situation. I've found that having him walk me through exactly what happened and what he was thinking is far more effective in trying to work through the issue than me lecturing or getting upset at him.

He was upset about having gotten in trouble. But, Mom! I was just trying to give H a hug. I wasn't hurting him at all. Mrs. C saw it and gave me a yellow.

When trying to get further clarification from him, apparently he likes this little boy and wants to be an even better friend. And so in line to go inside after recess he tried to give him a hug. The teacher assistant saw only the arms up around the other child's neck. Mister Man is not one to question authority (very rules focused - another autism trait, ironically) and so didn't try to explain his thought process.

*sigh*

Should he have gotten a yellow for that? Probably not.

Should he have been doing that to begin with? Probably not.

I explained to him why Mrs. C thought he was doing something he shouldn't have been. We discussed how school isn't probably the place to hug people, anyway. BUT if he really wanted to hug someone, he needed to first let the adult in charge know his intentions so that she could alert him if there were to be a problem. Second he needed to ask his friend if it was ok if he got a hug.

He seemed to understand - or at least he claimed he did. It's amazing to me that Mister Man always has a thought process and logic behind what he's doing. Whether it's the logic that most people would use and whether he went to what would be considered a logic conclusion may be up for debate, but at least I'm starting to figure out how his head is working.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow is another green. After all, he has another Bakugun to earn from good behavior just waiting in the closet!

I'm At The End Of My Rope

Mister Man is a good kid. I know all parents say that, but he really is. Or was.

He's a sweetie who loves to be a helper and really tries to please people. Most of the time. But his social skills and cues are low, and his impulse control sometimes causes issues, especially if he's overtired.

I fully acknowledge this. But he's a good kid. He has never gotten into trouble at school, and for that I'm grateful. Or at least, I was.

This year has been hard. The kindergarten teacher told all of us parents that the first month would be a hard transition because they were all getting used to a new environment and being in school all day. She told us not to worry.

Mister Man got in trouble for silly things like putting his hands down the back of another kid's shirt one day or pushing a kid who told him he wasn't going fast enough in the line to head to lunch. It wasn't anything major, but it was consistent enough that we set up a reward and punishment scheme at home.

If he was good all week, he earned a special prize like getting to see a movie with me. If he had a bad day, he lost that week's prize and also lost something he enjoyed like a library book or a stuffed animal. It seemed to make a big difference, and after a spate where he didn't think he could do it, we were sailing smoothly.

But... not so much anymore.

I don't know what's changed, and I can't get a good handle on it from him. He's getting in trouble again. He's having "no" days (each day is a different goal such as listening or keeping your hands to yourself, and you get a "yes" if you achieve the goal and a "no" if you don't) a couple times a week. Bigger than that, he's having yellow days, which is when you have multiple warnings for major infractions.

I know he isn't the only kid who acts out in school, as I hear from Mister Man some of the things other kids do, but they don't do it every day. And even when the first grader we carpool with was getting in trouble most days, it was for talking during class which is less of a concern (although still obviously an issue).

So far this week, he kicked a boy on Monday. He went into a corner and wouldn't come out later that day. Tuesday was a green day and no issues. Yesterday, he had a yellow day again for not keeping his hands to himself and not listening to the teacher in separate instances. Today, he had another yellow day where he hit two different boys on two different occasions.

The teacher wrote a note this time explaining that they've talked to him several times this week to no avail and that he's had to miss recess a few times as a consequence. It isn't helping.

At home, he long ago lost all his library books, and he'd already lost the privilege of going to the library to get new books. He has now lost his special sleeping buddies, and he knows that if he doesn't have a green day tomorrow, he isn't going to a birthday party on Saturday.

Today, he wrote apology notes to the three kids he physically bothered this week in addition to both his teachers. He's written apology notes before.

He's ashamed of the incidents, and he hates having yellow days. He doesn't want to misbehave and can't tell me why he is. And I'm trying to figure out how I can help him. I reinforce the rules before he heads off to school, and we go over what he should have done in provoking situations rather than react physically when he comes home.

But right now, I'm at the end of my rope. I don't want to have him kicked out of school, and I don't want him to feel badly about himself for his actions. He knows that he's disappointed us and that his behavior isn't acceptable. But I have got to find a solution.

PLEASE don't tell me to have him tested for ADHD. That isn't the problem or the solution, and I won't be medicating him.

I do wonder if it has something to do with the probiotic I started him on about three weeks ago... a few days before we really started having these issues. I had experimented with a homeopathic spray to help with focus and learning, and I stopped it a week and a half ago to see if that was it, but it's getting worse without the spray rather than better. I think I'm going to try stopping the probiotic as of tomorrow -- another friend of mine recently switched her probiotic and her younger son (who is an angel) has been acting out enough that the school psychologist called to talk to her.

I'm wondering if we don't need to get him to bed even earlier, as he's now waking up at 6am but telling me at 7:10 that he's super tired and wants to sleep. We know from experience that the more tired he is, the earlier he wakes up. Tonight, he went to bed at 6pm, and I haven't heard a peep from him.

Have any of you gone through behavior issues like this? Please give me some sort of hope... some suggestions (other than medicating him). What do you do in these situations? I'm debating asking the teacher if he should be held out of the kindergarten Christmas Program (he has a major part since he can read fluently and likes to perform), but I don't know that they can replace parts so close to the program.

I don't need any more grey hair. I just want my sweet little boy who does what he's asked. What can I do to help Mister Man find that little boy again?