How to Set Limits Without Losing Your Mind: Behavior Strategies That Make Life Easier

I have a continuing saga of Autism One posts, as I need to go through my notes in the hopes that I remember some of what I learned.  Bonus for you (ok, in my head I think it’s a bonus, so let’s hope it truly is) is that I put my notes online in a post so that at least this way I can find them easily – and search them, too.  There were so many sessions I attended that are applicable for all children, and this was definitely one of them.  Nicole Beurkens, PhD gave a great talk about behavior and not just how we can stop what we don’t want but a lot of discussion about why it occurs in the first place.

There are many many reasons for behavior issues from: poor processing skills, poor problem solving skills, lack of (quality) sleep, overwhelmed/anxious/stressed, poor communication (understanding and speaking), illness/pain/physical issues, lack of motivation, bad mood, testing to see what will happen, and more....

Poor processing skills - these are individuals with processing problems.  The brain isn't able to make sense of the information as quickly or accurately as others.  It can be a host of issues, visual, auditory, etc.  When your brain is slower in processing this, you get overwhelmed.

Poor problem solving skills - lacking the ability to think through “how I would solve this issue.”  When plan a doesn't work, they lack the ability to think through what the next options may be.

Lack of quality sleep - There are a lot of individuals who are not getting good quality restorative sleep at night. They can't get focused or process well this way.

Overwhelmed/stressed - the more we feel this way, the more we will respond in ways that are not ideal.

Poor communication skills – whether it is receptive or expressive issues, this leads to behavior challenges.

Pain/illness/etc - This tends to be really overlooked in this population.  Once they have a diagnosis of autism, everything gets locked into this box.  “Oh, this is because of autism” where they have underlying medical issues.

Motivation - we have to look long and hard about what our kid are spending time doing.  If they are engaged in repetitive and meaningless programs (to them), then they shut down.  If there is not something to work for, that can certainly lead to frustration and behavior challenges.

Bad mood - Just like the rest of us, these kids are entitled to bad mood days.

Testing to see what happens - Of course they're going to do this.

The first step in really addressing behavior challenges is understanding the underlying reasons for this individual.  You hear a lot of functional behavior analysis, etc.  They can be good processes but don't go far enough.  a lot of times, people will say people are just doing this for attention or because they're resisting something.  We often have to look at some of these other issues first before we can rule them out and move to those reasons.

Some of the biggest mistakes that parents make. 
One of the biggest is becoming emotional.  I'll tell you that when we as the adult begin to become emotional about the behavior, it almost becomes the kiss of death because we become involved in this spiral of death.

Taking things personally - one of the saddest initial consultations, a child who had extreme underlying medical and health issues and severe self injuries and acting out behavior.  The child is very disregulated and overwhelmed with life.  The dad said "she just hates me" - it was important to acknowledge that he felt that way, and it gives the opportunity to talk about the challenges they have are not personal attacks against us as parents, though it can feel that way at times.

Inconsistent expectations - Sometimes parents and staff will expect a lot from a child in one environment and not in another.  The bar is sometimes held at one level one day and another another day.  This creates confusion in the child over what the expectation is.  She is a very firm believer in high expectations for every child in every situation.  Every child can be a little bit better tomorrow and the next day - with support to reach those.  "Better" looks different for every child.

Inconsistent responses - One day things are ok, and the next day we clamp down on it.  This often comes up with dads who are a laid back guy and things are going ok and it doesn't bother them and then they lose it.  You go from no response to lowering the hammer.  By consistently responding to inappropriate or challenging behaviors, this helps the child respond to what is not appropriate and also helps children keep themselves regulated.

Ineffective communication - talking abut more effective communication strategies to get through the child.  Not every child will understand reasoning and not in every situation.  Once they go past a certain point, even the most even-tempered child can’t understand what you’re saying when they’re in the midst of that meltdown.  Getting the right communication that is effective for your child is key.

Rule 1 - Stay calm
If you are not emotional and behaviorally regulated, then your child will not be either.  Keep a calm but firm voice and presence.  Stay in the here and now.  Speak and move slowly to give yourself time to think.  Many of these are very simple strategies, and nothing you haven't heard before.  Just because something is simple doesn't mean it's easy to do.  Stay calm definitely fits there.  If adults can't master staying calm in the face of a child's disregulation, nothing else is going to be effective.  Part of that is because we provide a model to the child in those moments.  It shows what needs to happen in that moment.  If they get worked up and we get worked up right along with them, no one is steering the ship and showing how to stay calm and regulated.

Some tools to help do this:  Keep a very calm voice and presence.  It's almost like the more loud and frantic a child is getting, the more you do the opposite.  The more you get quiet and soft and slow because competing with the loud child is not going to provide an environment for the child to calm down.  It is important to be firm, as this is not just wimping out.

It's also important to stay in the here and now. Parents say that it goes through their heads like "what if they're 18 and still doing this" and suddenly in that moment you are living 20 or 30 years down the pike, and that's getting you even more worked up because now the situation with a 3 or 7 year old has taken you to a place a fear and anxiety.  It's important to stay in the here and now and focus on what's going on in front of you and not allowing your mind to skyrocket into the future and have the heart rate go up, panicking in the what if mode.

Speak and move slowly to give yourself to think.  One thing she sees happen, the more upset the child gets, the more frantic the parent gets.  They feel like they have to do something immediately which puts us into a fight or flight mode, so we can't think abut how to deal with the situation best.  We need to slow down that sets a tone of safety and allowing some time and space to work through this.  It brings the tenor of the emotional situation down a few notches.  When parents and teachers and everyone can master this, it changes the picture of those interactions around negative behaviors.

Rule 2 - Communicate Clearly
Make statements - don't ask questions.  Say what you need to say and nothing more.  Don't lecture; don't try to rationalize.  Don't respond to everything that comes from your child mouth.

Make more statements instead of asking questions. When things start to unravel for your child, we try to get information from our child to get an idea what's going on.  We ask what's wrong, what do you need, etc.  We have a child who is already overwhelmed and having difficulty keeping it together.  Now there is all this complex language that they have to process and respond to.  And now - I've asked a questions, you need to respond to it.  It's much more effective to make statements instead of asking questions.  Instead of what's the problem, state "wow, something is not working well" or "wow, you look really upset."  It puts a more supportive spin on things and lets the child know you aren't going to put more pressure on the child to respond.

Say what you need to say and then know when to stop talking.  This is a hard one.  Because processing systems get overwhelmed so quickly, we are talking more than what they can make sense of, so we overwhelm them more.  We need to learn to be comfortable with stopping and not doing any more talking. Silence and processing time is ok.  Things start to take a real negative turn when we feel like "This is a moment to teach a lesson."  Don't lecture.  When we start in with this lecture, it adds fuel to the fire, as they are already in a state of fight or flight, and this only exacerbates the situation.  Their brain is not functioning optimally.  It starts to say "red alert, shut down nonessential areas for functioning."  One of the first areas to shut down is the thinking and rationalizing part of our brain in the frontal cortex.  In the heat of the moment is not the time to have this discussion because their brain is not engaged in a way they can make sense of it in the moment.  This is not to suggest that you should not talk to them after the fact about what happened and what they should and should not do.

Sometimes as adults, we feel compelled to respond to every thing that comes from our child's mouth.  When children are trying to keep themselves in check, they are like the stereotypical teenager who says things that don't require a response where we end up on a hamster wheel going around and around and back and forth.  It helps no one.  Sometimes it may be a series of questions that they already know or repetitive questions or it may be some really mean and nasty things.  Just don't respond.  What majority of parents discover is that responding only perpetuates the cycle and makes things worse.  In the heat of the moment and even across the board, know that you don't have to respond to everything that comes out of your child's mouth.  You do want to avoid getting on the hamster wheel.

Use language your child can understand.  The more stressful situations may mean that language they can understand in normal situations is something they can't process.  The more stressed they are, the less they are making sense of the communication coming at them.  The more stressful the situation, the more we have to reduce the complexity of our communication.  Focus on using more nonverbal communication instead, especially in the heat of the moment.  Often a verbal directive or attempt to redirect them will fluster and get them upset where using a nonverbal gesture works better.  A child who doesn't want to do homework, you start with "ok, let's do problems 1-5" gets things wound up again.  Instead, point at a problem or put the paper back in front of them.  Kids who get really flustered about getting backpack ready to leave in the morning, point to the backpack.  Just taking the verbal piece out of it reduces the complexity of what they have to process and also gives them a firm idea of what needs to happen. 

Rule 3 - Stop the Action
Sometimes the best action to take in the heat of the moment is no action at all

One of the keys to really effectively managing highly stressful situations, think tantrums or overwhelmed, we feel like we have to do something right away to make it stop.  Sometimes the best action we can take is to stop and wait.  Give them time to process and some space.  It gives the child a chance to calm down and start processing what's going on.  This is with the  caveat that when there is a safety issues, this is not applicable - common sense.  Very often, these kinds of behavior issues don't involve an immediate safety issue.  This is incredibly important in schools where they need to let things try to resolve themselves.

It's about finding the space between forcing and a free for all.  There are two opposing options in most people's heads, but this isn't the case.  “You are going to do X,” a force mentality.  Many of use know that this is just going to exacerbate the situation.  When we try to force a child to do something, at best is a surface level compliance.  What we don't get is any thoughtful understanding of what's going on in the situation so things don't get better over time.  The other end is the free for all - every time we try to do this, he gets upset so we're just not going to do that.  When we just allow the kid to do what they're going to do anyway, there is no learning that comes from this.  There is a great middle ground, which is where the stop and wait comes in.

What does this look like?  Don't let the child get away.  Don't try to force the child to do anything. Maintain a close physical zone of connection if needed. Don't walk away while they have a tantrum, just wait expectantly with them.  It teaches the child to come back on their own.

Rule 4 - Be consistent
Inconsistency make things much more difficult.  If you say something is going to happen, then follow through - but know when to fold.  Figure out what is going to work for you in terms of expectations and consequences, and then stick with it.

Being consistent is so important.  This is not like keeping everything the same in a complete routine.  This is about having one set of expectations day in and day out.  This is especially the case when we tell the child that something is going to happen when they make a choice.  Frequently, a family will say that something is going to happen and then they don't consistently follow through with it.  This is about the telling one time what's going to happen and then enforce it.  Don't give warning after warning or what you do means nothing.  You have to follow through, but know when to fold.  You will all at some point have a threat or consequence flies out before you think about it and you wish you hadn't said it.  You need to know when to say "you know what, I need to take a minute to think because I just said something and didn't mean it."  That teaches our kids that sometimes we say and do things without thinking and it models how they should behave when they do it, too.  In general, when you say something is or is not going to happen, that is exactly what is or isn't going to happen.  You need to have that kind of relationship with your children, too.

You need to figure out what works for you.  Every family is different and there are different things that work or don't work for you.  Figure it out an then stick with it.

Rule 5 - Focus on the positive
This seems so simple, but we forget about it.  If you have a child who is spending a lot of time acting out or being criticized, it gives your child the knowledge that you do appreciate them when you focus on the positive.  It helps balance out the negative that has to be focused on sometimes.  It also allows the parents to focus on the positive sometimes because we are so often thinking about the negative.  When we're in that place, that keeps us from positively engaging with our children and from staying calm.  It's important for us to stop and remember that there are positive things that happen, no matter what.  You can find something in the course of a day where you can say, wow I was so impressed that you just did that. 

Positive reinforcement works best.  Focus on the positive of "sure you can have this once you do x."  Form things in a positive way of what can happen once we do something else.

Remind yourself of the good things your child does, and make time to have fun together and enjoy each other.  When you do this, it makes a world of difference in terms of your ability to stay calm when your child does have challenges.

Nicole Beurkens, PhD
info@horizonsdrc.com
Free resources on the web - horizonsdrc.com

Yes, a lot of it is common sense, but putting it all together really makes a big difference.  I’m one of the talkers when the wee ones are upset, and I know I need to chill more there, and I’m working on it.  I also love the reminder that when we accidentally come out with a major consequence (no going to the pool for the rest of the month if you X), we can back up if needed and it’s not a bad thing – provided we’re not doing it all the time.  What are some of the behavior lessons that most stick with you?

Can You Send A Five Year Old To Boarding School?

I had a post mentally written today (thank you ear buds for breaking today for the time to write that post while I was running) all about how I am probably the only person in the world who has no interest in the royal wedding today. It was a good one, but it isn't going to happen.

I got home and was putting laundry away when I realized I have a far more important (to me) post to write, and the royal wedding one won't be timely after today.

I'm used to parenting Mister Man. He's a pretty good kid. Sure, he does things he isn't supposed to and gets in trouble both at home and at school periodically, but it's never malicious and purposely being bad. He always feels horrible about it afterwards, and much of it is related to his autism. It's frustrating, but I get it.

Little Miss is a different bird altogether. She's got "a lot of personality" I tell people, which is the nice way of putting it. She's the one I worry about as she gets to the teen years. She is "mischievous" but oh so sweet and wraps everyone (sans me) around her little finger. She's just got that perfect personality.

And I'm having a problem with her. The good news is that she isn't good at being sneaky and hiding evidence - yet. Last week, I caught her eating candy that she can't eat because it contains dairy that she's allergic to. In a way, it was my fault as I'd left it sitting on the kitchen table after the Easter Egg hunt until I'd sorted it and dealt with it all. Mister Man would never dream of sneaking candy, and I had assumed the same was the case with Little Miss.

When she walked into the office with a cheek puffed like a chipmunk, I knew it had been wishful thinking. After prying her mouth open - she refused to tell me what was in her mouth, but I could tell by her reaction that it was something she shouldn't be eating - I asked her to show me what she'd taken. In the garbage, I found more candy wrappers. And later, I found more on the floor.

I explained the necessity of not eating the candy she's allergic to (and thankfully, it isn't an anaphylactic shock issue, but it makes her sick) and to always ask me before she takes any food so that I know what she's eating. We talked about the treats that she does get from me fairly regularly and the importance of trust. And then I kept her home from the open gym we were headed to, just taking Mister Man.

Yesterday morning, I discovered more candy wrappers upstairs in her room. She claims that they were from that same day, and I have no way of proving otherwise. This morning, I found two more wrappers shoved into her closet that were not there when I'd done laundry on Tuesday. We discussed the problem with this. I did tell her that because she was honest with me about where she got the candy and why she was eating it, I wouldn't take away her soccer game this afternoon. That said, she'll still be punished. We had planned to go out for a nice Japanese dinner tonight, just the two of us, while my husband was at a school event and Mister Man was at a birthday party. Nope, we're going grocery shopping and then coming home to have sandwiches for dinner. There will be no special night for us tonight.

This afternoon, I headed upstairs to put away the laundry I'd done that morning when discovering the candy wrapper stash. I was admiring how well she'd made her bed this morning when I discovered this:

That isn't all of it. There's more, including her name written backwards and other doodles.

I am so angry right now that I could spit.

I'm frustrated and angry and bewildered why she would do this. She will definitely be cleaning it off herself (umm how do you remove crayon from painted wood?) this afternoon when she gets off the bus. If it makes her late for her soccer game, so be it.

But there has to be more of a punishment than that, right? Something has got to sink in to her that she needs to respect her things, not destroy them, tell me the truth, and trust me so that I can learn to trust her again. Because she's five. If she's doing this at five, what happens at 10 or 15 or 20?

I'm debating clearing everything out of her room except her bed, dressers, and clothes.

I'm debating telling her she can't go to her birthday party on Sunday.

I'm debating telling her that she isn't mature and responsible enough to be in the pre-team gymnastics class she was just invited to join.

I'm debating telling her that she's banned from the computer for a week - and she loves doing her Compass learning program on the computer when we have a free moment.

Somehow, I'm missing what's going to get through to her. I know I can't be the only mom going through this with a "spirited" child. How have you handled it? What should I do next? Any suggestions for punishments for this latest transgression?

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What Happens When He Turns 13?

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***

I've been working on this post for days. Days. I start writing it, and then I have to stop. I can't tell you how many drafts I've gone through, but this time I'm posting it regardless of how unpolished it is. My apologies in advance.

On Friday, Mister Man came home from school as usual. He unpacked his backpack and handed me his home folder. Amidst the usual reminders and completed work, he passed over his spelling test.

Mister Man scored 60% on it. My eyebrows immediately raised, and I looked more closely. Why? Well, for one thing Mister Man spelled 9 of the 10 words (plus the bonus word) correctly on the pretest - with only "very" being spelled "vary" - without a context, mind you, but that's a different story.

The boy knows his spelling words. Spelling is easy for him. Academics are where he excels, not in sports or socially or in some of the other areas many children take for granted. How exactly did he get a 60%? I'm not so much shocked by the fact that he didn't do well - I don't place expectations on them - but by the knowledge that he knew those words inside and out and therefore something else must be going on.

I looked more closely at the test. Words one through six were spelled perfectly. It was words seven through ten and the bonus word that were all wrong. Interesting. More interesting? His spelling of "use." Or as he wrote it, "ueossyzze" - like he was trying as hard as he could to spell it wrong. And "Vayarree" and "tiuwwisste" (for "twist").

Yep, there is something else at work here.

I gently asked him what he was thinking during the spelling test. He almost broke into tears. Apparently he'd accidentally broken the crayon of a friend of his - mid test (perhaps after the sixth word, I'm guessing?) - and gotten into a little trouble for it. He decided that his punishment should be getting the rest of the words wrong on his spelling test. My boy self-punishes.

This isn't the first time I've seen this tendency. He will periodically come home with his shoes untied. At first, he'd resist my retying them, insisting that he needed them untied. When I pressed further, he'd explain that he'd done something "wrong" and had untied his shoes as punishment. He was hoping that he'd trip and fall and hurt himself.

I've discussed this with him over and over. When you do something you consider wrong, punishment isn't the most important thing. You want to be sorry about what you've done, and feeling bad about it is fine. After that, the most important thing is finding a way to make the situation right - or as right as it can be.

Hurting yourself doesn't make anyone feel better. It doesn't fix the icky feeling inside - or at least it shouldn't.

But Mister Man isn't stopping with this. I still see him coming home with his shoes untied. And I'm sure I'm not seeing everything he does as self-punishment. After all, he's in school all day long and does activities without me, too.

Yes, I've contacted the school's social worker, his teacher, and the assistant principal. The social worker is going to observe him (there are some other things going on related to games he's playing with himself to make academics more challenging) and start working on some ideas of what we can do to help him.

But that doesn't stop me. As soon as I saw that this I couldn't nip this in the bud, my brain started churning. If he's doing things like this as a six year old, what happens as he gets older? Untying his shoes likely won't be sufficient then. He's likely to turn to more destructive tendencies if he can't find a better way to problem solve now. And if he's so deeply touched by his perception of "failing" now, what will happen when the hormones kick in? Should I resign myself to the idea that he will be prone to depression and that I'll always have to keep a vigilant eye on his moods and where he's at? The thoughts sicken me and send my heart racing.

This is another aspect of parenting that "I didn't sign up for" - much like having a child with Asperger's. But it's part of who he is, and we're working through it. We're focusing on his successes and showing him how many things he does do well. And when he does something wrong? We're trying to focus on a more appropriate way to fix situations and feel better about himself when something bad does happen. When left to his own devices, he still isn't choosing the most appropriate options. Between home, his teacher, and the social worker, I'm hoping that we find a way to help him decide that fixing things is more important than punishing himself, but we definitely aren't there yet.

Have any of you ever had these issues either with yourself or other children you know? Do you have any suggestions to try to help him understand how to make better choices when he does something wrong?

Well That Didn't Work As Planned

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***

Little Miss is my challenge child. She's headstrong and spirited, and I don't have to worry about her ever being bullied. I just pray that she uses her powers for the side of good - she's cute and she knows it, and she knows how to take advantage of it (and has for years).

As Mommmy, I get to be the bad guy.

Little Miss, you need to drink your milk.

Little Miss, you must take all your vitamin.

Little Miss, you have to take a nap, which means no getting out of your room and no peeps.

Little Miss, you may not play with that right now.

And the list goes on. And on.

This morning, we were having a discussion about drinking her milk (which also contains her liquid vitamins, per her request). She didn't feel like drinking it, and I explained that she had no option before her bus came.

After doing some cajoling, I explained what would happen if she didn't drink her milk. She'd lose her light saber (yes, I have the only four year old girl who knows more than the average Star Wars geek about the movie - and no she hasn't seen it).

Go ahead, Mommy, just take the light saber now. It's ok.

Ummm yeah.

So we tried the no toys in the room trick.

You can take all my stuffed animals, Mommy. I don't need them.

Uhhhhhhhhhh.

As I was cleaning up while she ate breakfast, I picked up the artwork she'd brought home the day before and accidentally mixed it in with the recycling.

Mommy, MOMMY! What are you doing? she shrieked.

Ah-ha.

Mommy, I need my ducky and my pony back. Mommy, don't throw them away!

And thus her milk was drunk this morning. And I retrieved her treasures. For whatever reason, no inducement to drink interested her this morning.

Then I realized it was just a crabby and temperamental day for her.

On our way home from picking up Mister Man at school, all the carpool kids shared a snack of Triscuits and grapes. Little Miss had asked only for a few Triscuits and eaten them (somewhat) happily. After we dropped off the carpool buddies, Little Miss discovered that the grapes were all gone. The grapes that she'd shown zero interest in for the previous twenty-five minutes.

And the screaming began. And the giant crocodile tears flew down her face. Mister Man is trying to explain that he didn't know she wanted any and apologize for eaten them all, but she wanted none of it. I tried to explain to her that she was being unreasonable and needed to stop screaming since it was still raining hard enough that it was difficult to see.

No dice.

Little Miss, I need you to stop screaming in the car. Mister Man didn't know you wanted any grapes, and there's nothing we can do about it now. If you can't stop screaming, I'm going to ask you to get out and walk home once we get into the neighborhood. I can't drive with this screaming.

She paused for a moment and looked at me. I heaved a sigh of relief.

So are you going to stop crying then, Peanut?

Shrieks again filled my car, and I cringed. Mister Man placed his hands over his ears and tried to drown out her noise.

As we got closer to our neighborhood, she got quieter and quieter. I turned into our neighborhood with blessed silence in my car. I thanked her for ceasing her screaming so that we could get home all together.

I could almost see the wheels turning in her brain. She took a deep breath.

And screamed.

So I did what any mom with a massive headache (and amazingly cleared up skies with no more rain) would do. I pulled over and asked her if she really wanted to run home.

That's about the point where I learned she can now unbuckle her own carseat. I shrugged, and she climbed out.

She ran the next three blocks to our house, while Mister Man and I crawled along the street in my car keeping pace with her (and no, we didn't have to worry about crossing streets).

Little Miss arrived home breathless but giggling madly. My happy little girl was back, and she loved her adventure of running home. Go fig. Actually, as much as she enjoyed her exercise and independence, I might have accidentally created a new monster.

I need to find yet another new form of timeout, I think.

But I Didn't *MEAN* To

With Mister Man, it's always an adventure at the end of the school day. We hope and pray that he's had a green day (no trouble - or only a single warning) and not a yellow or red day where he's had more difficulty following the rules and doing what he's supposed to do.

Unfortunately the autism diagnosis only makes his impulsivity and other behavioral problems more understandable. We've yet to find the solution to actually stop them. The good news is that the sticker chart has helped provide incentives to him to follow the rules, and we've started to see patterns (specials like music and gym are more of a challenge).

We still have many days where he comes home having been put at a separate table for group work in Language Arts because he was drawing on someone else's paper or running in the halls or laying on his chair instead of sitting.

When we have those days, we always talk about them - trying to create the social stories that will help him understand how to better handle the situation in the future. Some of them work, and sometimes the behavior repeats itself.

Yesterday, Mister Man came home with a yellow day. He was having difficulty listening in one class, and then he put his hands on a classmate's neck. Obviously, the hands around someone's neck is alarming. Behavior like that - especially for someone who doesn't always know where the line is and when to stop a game (another function of his autism).

I showed him the sheet of paper and asked him to tell me about the situation. I've found that having him walk me through exactly what happened and what he was thinking is far more effective in trying to work through the issue than me lecturing or getting upset at him.

He was upset about having gotten in trouble. But, Mom! I was just trying to give H a hug. I wasn't hurting him at all. Mrs. C saw it and gave me a yellow.

When trying to get further clarification from him, apparently he likes this little boy and wants to be an even better friend. And so in line to go inside after recess he tried to give him a hug. The teacher assistant saw only the arms up around the other child's neck. Mister Man is not one to question authority (very rules focused - another autism trait, ironically) and so didn't try to explain his thought process.

*sigh*

Should he have gotten a yellow for that? Probably not.

Should he have been doing that to begin with? Probably not.

I explained to him why Mrs. C thought he was doing something he shouldn't have been. We discussed how school isn't probably the place to hug people, anyway. BUT if he really wanted to hug someone, he needed to first let the adult in charge know his intentions so that she could alert him if there were to be a problem. Second he needed to ask his friend if it was ok if he got a hug.

He seemed to understand - or at least he claimed he did. It's amazing to me that Mister Man always has a thought process and logic behind what he's doing. Whether it's the logic that most people would use and whether he went to what would be considered a logic conclusion may be up for debate, but at least I'm starting to figure out how his head is working.

Fingers crossed that tomorrow is another green. After all, he has another Bakugun to earn from good behavior just waiting in the closet!

Oh What A Night!

I only wish I were posting about the song -- and yes, I have it going through my head right now, so you can share in my misery.

Last night, we were invited to a friend's house for dinner. They live in our neighborhood, and ordinarily we'd walk, but it was raining, so we needed to drive. And about forty-five minutes before we were supposed to be there, I realized that I didn't have anything I was bringing. Oops.

So I made Nana's Apple Cake because a) it's dairy free -- her son also has a lactose issue, so it's appreciated b) it's yummy and c) it has three ingredients so I can get it cooking quickly. Yeah.... At 4:52 I finally called her and asked if I could borrow her oven to finish cooking it. We were supposed to be there at 4:30.

Her kids are both boys, and very (stereo)typical boys, at that. Little Miss was super excited to see them, and she ran into the house and started playing. Eventually, they migrated into the basement where the bouncy house was turned on. That required adult supervision, as four children in a two person bouncy gets a little dicey. Especially with some kids who like to turn it on and off. And some kids who like to try to make the walls fall down.

My friend and I left our husbands downstairs to monitor the situation while we chatted and got dinner finalized.

Fun Event A: Mister Man came upstairs holding his arm and crying. And no, I don't know why my husband didn't handle it while downstairs, so don't ask.... He'd fallen on his previously broken arm, at which point we all decided maybe the bouncy house wasn't the best thing to play with right now. Tears gone, we started dinner.

Fun Event B: My friend made great chicken fajitas. She crock potted the chicken in salsa. Neither child would eat the fajitas, although both tried them, to their credit. Neither child would eat the spanish rice my friend made either. She very kindly made them chicken nuggets. And I only twice had to shush Mister Man from going on about how yucky the food was.

Fun Event C: After dinner and before dessert, the kids were all playing upstairs. We had each gone upstairs to check on them a few times when her older son suddenly burst into loud howls. Yep, Mister Man stabbed him in the eye with a Lego toy. We're still not sure of the whole story as Mister Man didn't get much of a chance to explain himself beyond the typical "but it was an accident" story. And her son never game many details either. Mister Man was too wound up from the long weekend and was sent on his merry way home with my husband to go to bed.

Fun Event D: After dessert -- ok in the middle of dessert after my friend's younger son decided he was done eating watermelon and Little Miss quickly followed suit -- the two went upstairs into his room. I checked, and he had turned on a Baby Einstein video. Whatever. I went back downstairs until a couple minutes later when we felt and heard the thud. And then the screaming. I was closest and made it up the stairs first, and my friend's husband was close behind. I opened the door to the room and saw the dresser tipped over with her son underneath. I pushed the dresser back onto the wall, by which point the dad was scooping up the boy to check him out. The television that was atop the dresser had crash landed on the bed, missing Little Miss by about three inches. Her son appears to be fine, although many of the objects that were atop the dresser previously had broken in the fall. The dresser didn't land all the way on her son, as the foot of the bed stopped it. Apparently, he had tried to climb the dresser to reach the VCR to change the movie, and it had tipped. He fell back against the footboard of the bed and probably has a pretty bruised back. The drawers also fell out and landed on his legs, but thank GOD the dresser was stopped by the bed.

We left after that.

I asked her to let me know how both her boys are doing today, but I've gotten a few good reminders and lessons here.

1) Tonight when I get home from work, I am anchoring Little Miss's dresser to the wall. Mister Man only has a very low bureau that he could never topple. But I'm still considering anchoring that, as well.

2) Dinners need to be earlier. We'd been invited for 4:30 with dinner around 5:15 or 5:30. That's too late for an evening out for us. We need to be eating between 4:30 and 5 because social dinners take so long to eat. And the dinner never starts on time anyway -- my friend had forgotten to make rice, so we didn't start our meal until almost six.

3) These kids need to be supervised when playing. While the wee ones can play with some kids with only check ins every five minutes or so, with these friends, there needs to be an adult present at all times.

4) My husand needs to stop showing the wee ones Spiderman. Spiderman cartoons from the 1970s has turned into his little ritual with them, and I've been against this for a number of reasons: it pushes bedtime too late, they get into a very demanding mode where they expect Spiderman, I don't like them watching much tv anyway, and although this is a very sanitized version there still is cartoon violence. In talking to Mister Man after I got home (who was absolutely filled with shame and crushed and could hardly talk, poor kid) I determined that he wasn't trying to hurt anyone but that Spiderman shoots things out and throws things and the bad guys just get captured and don't get hurt. He can't draw the line between what's ok and not, and with his issues in knowing where to draw the line already in some of his social issues, Spiderman is just too much for him. Spiderman didn't necessarily cause the Lego stabbing, but it certainly didn't help the matter. My husband, fortunately, had already thought of the same thing, so we're on the same page.

My biggest concern is that Mister Man is in daycare all morning with the boy he "stabbed" (it was a Lego square ship like thing, so stabbing is a little severe of a description). The boy even when we left was playing the drama up to the hilt -- not saying that he isn't hurt but his mom said he was milking it. Mister Man has two boys in daycare who already get on his case about everything where we've been working with the teachers to ensure the behavior is appropriate. If my friend's son starts talking about what Mister Man did in daycare, we could have a problem. We'll see when I get home.

And meanwhile, I'm trying to figure out when the right time is to call my friend to apologize again for Mister Man and to see how both her kids are doing. But I'm not expecting a dinner invite anytime soon.