Rewind, Redo?

I look back at my life sometimes, and I realize how differently I'd do things if I could go back now knowing what I know today. I've thought about it idly periodically, and there are times I start to feel a little regret knowing that I could do things "better" than I did the first time around.

In college, I never took a language course as I'd already completed a second year French class at the University of Minnesota. French was easy for me, a natural language that just made sense. Do you have any idea how easy it would have been to minor in French and have that as a background with the French I'd already taken? But I took nothing, not a single class - because I didn't have to.

No language classes also meant that I didn't study abroad at all, although there were English language options out there. Back then, Northwestern had only full year options, and ... well I had reasons I didn't want to give up a year of classes on campus. For example:

I was driven to have a double major in two disparate areas. There was a time I even debated doing a triple major in a third - unrelated - area. It wasn't because I was passionate about them but instead because a triple major would be the best. I decided in the end to go with a double major - and finished a quarter early instead where I could do nothing and play the last quarter.

And I did play some. But because I also wanted to be the best, I worked three jobs at the same time. I worked one day a week downtown in commercial insurance. I worked nannying two or three days a week. And I worked in the executive programs at Northwestern three or so half days a week. I did that while taking a full load of four classes prior to that spring, too. Needless to say, all of that takes up a lot of time and energy.

I loved none of it, but I always felt that I had to push myself to be the undefined "best" - something that is so obviously not possible, nor would it probably have made me happy anyway, as I could always find another goal or stretch further.

That meant I never joined a sorority, something that was very prevalent. I didn't join because I had a preconceived notion about sorority girls and didn't want to fit that mold. I still befriended women who were in sororities, and they were wonderful, but ... I didn't do it.

I also rarely went to office hours for my professors because I was so busy - and the jobs above don't include the extra curricular activities I was involved in. I doubt any of my professors knew my name when I was in their classes, let alone today. I never got to know any of them or what made them special. I was in the class for the knowledge I needed to get the best possible grade and wanted just to get out of it what I had to for that. When I look at so many of my friends who got to know their professors and involved in their research and learned so many things outside the classroom, I'm, frankly, jealous. I don't just regret not gaining that knowledge, but the memories that would have accompanied it.

Oh how different my life would be were I to go back and redo it. Except that I like my life. I like living where I live and my friends. I love the wee ones and wouldn't trade them for the world. My husband is awesome. And in general ... I'm happy. And content. I wouldn't want to change any of that.

Besides, I'm awfully crabby now. I think about going back and doing college again, and there's no way I could survive on that little sleep. And oh the stupidity of college students. I'm not up for putting up with that on a day to day basis. I mean, come on, I still don't know how to text. Can you imagine me trying to go back and living a life where students are Skyping with their professors (nope, never done that either), bopping to and from class with their iPods turned way up (ohhh the noise!), trekking around with their iPads (on my wish list at least?), and ... I can't even imagine what else.

And I can't imagine living that life again. I can't imagine being 18 again and living that life again. I'm 35. And I'm happy at 35. I was always somewhat of an old soul - possibly why I made some of those choices to begin with - and I'm not up for living my life again. And taking away the life I have today? I wouldn't want to do that either.

Now? Oh, sure maybe I would have done some things differently "back then," but I'm good with how all those choices turned out. And what I feel isn't really regret. It's a knowledge of what's important in life that I can use now and going forward. It's something that I want to impart to the wee ones, lessons that I hope they'll learn.

Live your life while you're in college, but that doesn't mean go overboard. Find your passion and follow it. Develop relationships with the professors you respect and push them to teach you more. Focus on the big picture and not just on some nebulous goal of being the "best." The best is never going to make anyone happy, and it can't be achieved anyway. Figure out what you're going to want to know fifteen or twenty years after college, and make sure you learn it. Figure out what experiences are available to you, and take advantage of them. And don't forget to study, of course!

I know the wee ones won't do everything the "right" way, but I'm certainly hoping that while they may make decisions in the moment that they may look at differently in the future, they never look back with genuine regret because they don't like the life they're living. Because when I really think about it, I know I don't.

In the interest of full disclosure, I was provided with a copy of the book "29" as part of the book club From Left To Write where we write posts inspired by the book rather than reviewing the book. I received no compensation, and all opinions expressed are my own.

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Cupid Strikes Again!

A good friend of mine from college, who I met the second or third week I was there and have been close with ever since has not had the best luck when it comes to romance. He had a few girlfriends when we were at Northwestern, but never “the one.” Then again, at Northwestern, many people never had any significant others, so maybe he did have some luck there.

He was three years ahead of me in school and graduated the year I was a freshman. He then worked in Chicago a year and went back to Kellogg (the business school at NU) and was back near campus again for my last two years, so we always spent lots of time together – including several road trips to New Orleans for Mardi Gras.

The trip we took my senior year was an interesting lot. He and I were both along for the ride of course, as was one of our mutual best friends who’s been with us that long. His girlfriend joined us, as did one of her best friends. Both of them were a year younger than us, but their maturity level was not quite into high school. Knowing that I was in for some very long car rides, I also invited a friend of mine to make a nice sixth.

Having the sixth person along turned out to be a really good thing. The girlfriend’s friend and my friend ended up getting along a little too well, if you catch my drift. In fact, they started dating after that trip. And kept dating.

She was from a small town in central Illinois and had never been out of the state. He had lived all over, including internationally, and came from a family where the dad was an executive. After he finished Kellogg, he took her to Australia for a vacation. Those sorts of things definitely expanded her horizons, and she loved him. Needless to say, they got married in 2000.

Oh, and did I mention that she couldn’t stand me? Apparently she was jealous of my friendship with him. They moved to Seattle where he started his business – which has done quite well. When business took me to Seattle, we’d meet up for dinner and drinks, but she’d never join us. When we vacationed as a group, she avoided me. Finally, she softened towards me for unknown reasons, and we became friends. My then boyfriend (now husband) actually stayed with them for a vacation in 2002.

But in early 2003, I got a call from him that they’d separated, and she’d moved back to Chicago. She had grown more into her own person and realized that she loved what he taught her and allowed her to experience, but she wasn’t in love with him. As you might imagine, he was devastated.

As a total side note, the ex-wife ended up marrying the mutual friend who went with us to Mardi Gras that year – her friend’s ex-boyfriend and for him, his friend’s ex-wife. They had a baby this winter and by all accounts are perfect for each other. But what a convoluted relationship!

Since then, he’s dated a number of women, many of whom I’ve met. Unfortunately, none of them lasted more than a few months. A year ago last fall, he brought his current girlfriend with him to Chicago to go to a Northwestern game with us. She was sweet and very smart, but nothing about her screamed perfect match any more or less than the other girlfriends had. She stuck around though and helped him with his business, particularly as he opened a factory in China last year.

Then I got a call that they were engaged. They were so happy, and I was so happy for them. When they flew through town, they showed me the slideshow of pictures from where they got engaged in a remote area of Alaska (really cool, actually). The date was set for July of this year, and I made plans to head out to Seattle to wish them well. I put off buying my ticket though, partly because I screwed up and bought Cirque du Soleil tickets for the night before their wedding and was debating whether I tried to sell my (front row!) tickets or tried to make the wedding by taking the first flight out on Saturday.

When the invitation arrived, I knew I’d have to make a choice. Until I got an email from him later that same day. He and his fiancée had split up. With their family issues and his previous divorce, they had decided to get couples’ counseling before the wedding. It was going well, but apparently there were some bad patterns that they were falling into, and too much hurt was caused before they realized it. The wedding was off.

I called him and left him a message, realizing he probably wasn’t up to talking to anyone. I sent him an email expressing my sadness for him and wishing him well. I told him that what I cared about most was him being happy, and that if he needed anything, I was just a phone call away. We decided to go on vacation in July around the time of the wedding somewhere fun (with my husband, btw – my mom missed that part of it when I first told her and she wasn’t sure how appropriate that was!).

Today, I got another email from him. The wedding is back on, but in November (and smart him, on a weekend when Northwestern has an away game!). He and his fiancée continued to get counseling (separately) and were able to work themselves back to each other. They made progress on their issues and are once again happy.

How often does something like this happen? I knew they were very happy and in love with each other, but mistakes and bad habits cleaved what they had built. But rather than become bitter and wallow in their misery, they both continued working, and now they have another shot at happiness together.

Second chances are a wonderful thing. I have to admit that there are many things that I’d like to revisit in my life and do differently. Many people I would have treated better, different choices and experiences I would have gone for, and so forth. People rarely get a second chance, and I’m thrilled for my friends that they are able to have one.

With everything we do every day, there’s no way to go through life without some regret. I know what my biggest regret is, and it’s a series of bad habits I exhibited. Nothing can change that, although I have sincerely apologized. I still feel guilty about it though. If you could go back and change something you did or said (or didn’t!), what would it be?